There’s a lot of advice out there about how to make a good first impression when meeting someone new, but an overlooked piece of the puzzle is how people actually start to get a vibe from you before you open your mouth…and even before you walk over to them. So let’s look at that today.
Imagine this: A guy (let’s call him Adam) walks into a room with an air of genuine self-confidence and charm. Adam is relaxed, happy, enjoying life, and just feels great about himself, while also enjoying the environment and people around him. He takes his time walking through the room.
Now picture this: Adam’s identical twin brother (we’ll call him John) walks into the room, but he’s full of anxiety about what people will think of him. John’s brother, Adam, has always been the more socially confident one. John is nervous and stiff and hesitant. He’s so in his head about how to make a good first impression when meeting someone new that he stumbles over someone’s foot and then looks around, embarrassed, to see who saw his little blunder.
If you were in this room, can you see how you might start to get a very different first impression from these two men before they even opened their mouths or walked up to you?
We put a quote up today from one of our lead coaches, Dave, that inspired this blog post.
I see a lot of men all over our social media channels stuck on the idea that the first impression you make on people, women especially, is all about your money, looks, and the like.
This is so far from the truth, as we have clients that break every rule about looks and money these men come up with about what makes men attractive to women:
-short, chubby guys who date (and even marry) tall, beautiful women
-men who are great with women even while struggling financially or living in vans. Yes, really.
-men who are “shredded” and/or employed as male models who came to us because they still were severely struggling to connect with women.
-Very successful, good-looking guys who came to us because they couldn’t connect with women.
Those are just the examples that come to mind. I myself both grew up with an obvious physical disability and was always told I was “such a handsome young man!” but couldn’t connect with women to save my life until I worked on feeling “first class inside.” Now things are very different, and my disability can even become an attractive part of me when I’m owning it the right way.
A lot of men find it hard to believe that your vibe really matters, but when you really understand it, it’s the most important thing.
Your standard advice you’ll find all over Google on how to make a good first impression when meeting someone new can be helpful…sometimes, but let’s go back to our scenario at the beginning of the post:
Adam & John are actually identical triplets. (Crazy, I know, right?!) Their third brother, Zack, walks into the room. He’s studied confident body language and advice on making first impressions, so he knows what the “perfect” body language is and all the best tips on meeting people:
-he dresses well and takes care of his hygiene
-he knows to smile and hold eye contact with people
-he knows he’s supposed to be open and confident
-he knows to listen and be attentive to ppl
-etc, etc, etc
But deep down, Zack doesn’t feel confident. He might not even be aware of it, but he feels inferior to the people in this room. He wants so badly for them to like him. He knows he should value himself, but deep down, he’s cautious of doing or saying the wrong thing.
Zack tries to force himself to “think positive” and smile, he reminds himself of the body language tips he’s learned, he holds eye contact with people, and tries to be a good listener.
But inside, Zack is still stiff and nervous. If he senses this, he tries to push it all down, and “act confident.” But he’s really in his head, working to fake it.
Can you see how you may still get a totally different feeling from Zack, who’s trying to follow techniques, and Adam, who actually just feels relaxed and confident in himself?
Women tend to pick up on this stuff very intuitively, and you probably do too, even if you don’t realize it. Zach is still stiff or awkward or a little robotic. Something might just seem a little “off” or weird about him. You might not really be drawn in by his presence, whereas around Adam you feel much more relaxed and open.
At the extreme of this, you’ve got those “positive thinking,” “spiritual,” people that have big, really weird smiles trying super hard to have great eye contact, but it just comes off as weird. Really fucking weird.
I’m surely guilty of awkward eye contact myself at times. There are things you have to practice and get used to, and there is some scientific backing to good body language and the like. I used to cling to a bunch of body language techniques, and they did help somewhat, but only to a point. Because I still didn’t feel “first class” inside.
And too often we get clients who’ve studied all manor of techniques – from body language, to improv, to conversational strategies and beyond – and we have to get them to just let a lot of that go so they can learn to relax and actually feel good about themselves because the techniques have clearly been built on a shaky foundation that’s full of anxiety and trying too hard.
Though we’ve talked mostly about social anxiety and obvious self-esteem stuff to this point, but people are also – whether they even consciously think about it or not – getting a read on whether they should trust you, if you’re genuinely kind, if they want to get to know you, and more…before you say anything.
So how do you make a good first impression when meeting someone new?
I know, you probably wanted a quick, easy solution.
And I’ll give you some steps to start helping right away as best I can from what I’ve learned here at FEARLESS, but if you want to really feel free and confident and open with people, nail first impressions, and draw people to you, you’ve got to work at it.
You’ve got to work on feeling self-confident from deep down. Feeling good about yourself regardless of the outcome of social interactions or whether people like you, so you begin to exude that confidence before you open your mouth. Like Adam. Feeling good just because so you’re actually emotionally available to connect with other people and get to know them.
Even if you think you’re confident, you’ve got to work on not being afraid to be open and honest with people and more interested in learning about them than about YOU impressing them.
You’ve got to work on feeling first class inside.
So with those mentalities and goals in mind, here are a few things you can practice to make a good first impression when meeting someone new:
FEARLESS TIPS FOR MAKING GOOD FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Get grounded by checking in with your feet.
Anxiety often comes from thinking too much, too hard. So you want to slow down your thoughts and get in touch with your body and the present moment.
Drop your awareness to your feet. Especially your heels. How they feel against your socks, your shoes, and the floor or ground beneath you. Relax into your feet. See if you can get in touch with your legs and other parts of your lower body. Think of it as slowing all that anxious and “tight” energy in your head and upper body (you may have a tight feeling in your chest, for example) and channeling it down through your body into the ground, into the moment.
Take in your Environment for a moment.
Try to find things to enjoy and appreciate just being wherever you are right then. Appreciative, present people are easier for people to connect with.
SLOW. D-O-W-N.
From moving through the space wherever you are, to shaking their hands, to speaking, slow yourself down and keep enjoying the environment, yourself, and the people you’re meeting.
Find and FEEL Genuine Curiosity about the People You’re Meeting.
This puts your focus on whoever you’re interacting with vs on your nerves or how you’re coming off to them. Everybody wants to be liked and heard, and people (consciously or subconsciously) will sense that curiosity from you and be more likely to like being around you. It also makes you come off less self-centered and helps you…
Be a Better Listener and Pay Attention to Their Emotions as Well As Their Words.
This is especially important when connecting with a woman you like, but again, everyone wants to be understood, and part of being understood is having your emotions understood.
“I’m excited to be here,” for example, can mean many different things depending on how it’s said.
Really pay attention to what emotions people are conveying to you. Yes, even from “hello.”
Hold Eye Contact.
Look into their left eye. Really look into the person and feel that curiosity. (And, if it’s a woman you’re flirting with, your turn-on for her.) This helps you connect emotionally, it helps them feel those genuine emotions from you, and it helps you pay more attention to and pick up on their emotions as we talked about above.
As Much as You Can, Let Go of Your Filter.
There are some professional situations where this has to be compromised for your job/career/networking’s sake, but you have to make that call about what’s appropriate in your situation and how much you’re ok with filtering who you are.
For social situations, “just being yourself” is key…but what the hell does that mean?
In large part, it means don’t filter yourself. Say what you want to say and ask what you want to ask without hesitating or thinking about if they’re going to like what you’re saying or asking about. That’s being true to yourself.
You’re not supposed to be compatible with everyone, so when you’re truly doing this, the people who don’t like you just aren’t a good match for you.
And it goes without saying, always be respectful of women. In professional environments, treat them like professionals.
Be Genuine.
People can smell inauthenticity from a mile away. From compliments, to questions you ask, to answers you give and how you talk about yourself, only say things you mean and are interested about.
And work on feeling first class inside. Because the more you understand and experience and get a feel for all this stuff, the more you realize just how much of how people react to and interact with you is about how you feel inside. How confident and relaxed you feel, how open and interested and appreciative you feel, how real you feel you’re being in that moment, the list goes on.
That really is the most powerful transformative key to make a good first impression when meeting someone new.
Related
5 Steps To Develop and Become a Grounded Man
Having Confident Male Body Language Isn’t About “Power Poses”
How To Be More Attractive to Women by Developing Your Indifference to Outcome
The Most Overlooked Skill to Attract Women – Be a Great, Connected Listener
How to be Good with Women – Loving Yourself Isn’t Lip Service | Inside FEARLESS #42
