I love the topic of confident male body language, because when you see a movie with a really confident man in it, why is he that way and how did he get that way? Did he study it, did he work on it, or did it naturally develop?
The truth is confident male body language is a byproduct of how you feel inside.
It’s how much you’re enjoying your masculinity, your sense of groundedness, and sense of power as a man.
DON’T “Fake It Till You Make It”
A lot of “experts” – from dating coaches to psychologists – claim it’s a certain way to stand or walk, how to move your hands, or how to puff your chest out in a “Power Pose.” But that’s all a bit ridiculous.
The problem with all this “advice,” is that if how you’re trying to hold yourself is in sharp contrast to how you still really feel inside, you start to look fake. This is where you see fake, awkward smiles. Or you might look at someone and just feel a little weird, like something’s off.
Because it is.
And if I can tell you look fake, women (who tend to be more emotionally attuned than men) especially can see it from miles away, and it repels them.
Having “perfect” confident male body language without consciously working on how you really feel inside can actually make you worse. I’ve seen it in many clients who had studied a lot of “pickup artist” stuff. It’s very awkward.
We call guys like this “social robots.”
It’s like a bad actor in a movie, but you can tell it’s bad acting, and it takes you out of enjoying and believing the movie and the character. They’re playing the part without feeling any of the emotions. There’s none of the real feeling, the actor is pretending, and it all shows through.
We may not see it consciousnessly in people, but it registers. It registers in our nervous systems and it registers in our bodies.
It’s like K.C. Green’s “This is Fine” meme.
It’s similar to why I’m not a big fan of “positive thinking” – trying to fake it or force it just doesn’t really work.
One thing you need to do is to get out of your head and into more awareness of your body. Feel how it really feels to be masculine and grounded – I did a video on the grounding part of that here.
When you can do this, confident male body language becomes a natural outcropping of just how you really feel.
I’ll Cross My Arms If I Want To!
I see body language experts say things like, “crossing your arms is a sign of insecurity and being closed off.”
This ends up confusing people and turning them rigid. This is what happens when you use the “fake it until you make it” approach to confident male body language. You never gain a true understanding of how it really feels to just be confident.
And I’ve seen plenty of guys with their arms crossed and breaking other body language “rules” be great with women, magnetic to other men, and be great leaders.
I do it myself sometimes because it can put me more in touch with my body and…just enjoying the feeling of my body. Which can help me relax and feel happier and more confident.
I’ve seen Virgin founder Richard Branson cross his arms or look down or do other things considered body language no-nos in interviews when he seemed to be feeling a little vulnerable. But doing that, in that moment, made him feel safer and open up to the interviewer more.
Building Naturally Confident Body Language
At FEARLESS, we get our clients doing movement and feeling (body and emotional awareness) work. We get them moving parts of their bodies so they can begin to develop a deeper, more conscious relationship to them. Especially their turn-on, which comes from the hip and groin area, and their vulnerability, which comes from the heart. (If you think vulnerability is weakness, watch this.)
We’re waking parts of your body up. You get more into your turn-on. Your turn-on is important for your creativity and productivity throughout life, not just with women. But you do get more into your balls and sexuality more, for sure. This makes you better at sex itself, too! A lot of students don’t have access to their pelvis and I feel bad for the girls they are bringing home. This is all why embodiment is huge.
So go out and take some yoga, because that’s what yoga was meant for! But don’t make it about exercise. Focus on the feeling and awareness of your body, your masculinity, and sexuality.
I also wrote a blog post: The True Secret To Reclaiming Your Masculine Power where I suggest things like:
- weight training
- sports
- boxing & self defense (several of my clients like Krav Maga)
- competition with other men
- spending time around other masculine men
- mountain & rock climbing
- shooting guns (Be safe and do it at a range with professionals!)
Read the post here. As with my Yoga suggestion above, focus on body awareness and feeling into your masculinity and turn-on when you’re doing these things.
Now if you’re struggling with vulnerability, you may want to study something like Taichi, that’s more soft and teaches you to feel more.
Quality acting classes can help teach you to emote from the body. A good acting coach will show you how to emote from the body so you are actually feeling the emotions of (in acting’s case) whatever character you’re playing.
See how none of this is about learning how to stand a certain way?
You first need to have the attention and energy on yourself, and then you can give the gift of authentic confidence to whoever you are talking to.
And of course, it’s about building your confidence overall with people. I have an exercise that if you actually follow consistently, it alone can make big changes in your life. The way I talk about it here is focused on women but can be easily applied to any and all areas of your life: It’s called the Tension Journal
Questions? Tweet me @BrianFearless
