A key principle for describing the motivations behind your behaviors (with women and in life in general) is whether or not they are reactive or proactive behaviors.
Most people are incredibly reactive. Imagine you read a negative headline about a company you’ve invested in, you get emotionally triggered, you start to worry about losing the money that you’ve invested and you rush to sell the stock as quick as you can. Or have you ever had your boss send you a cold sounding email? Did you start worrying about your job security? Did you start checking job openings and start setting up interviews? This is you being reactive. Reactive people respond from a place of anxiety and insecurity. You are trying to get rid of the tension you’re feeling as quickly as possible.
The opposite of this behavior is to be proactive by making decisions from a grounded place, stepping into the tension (like going to your boss and asking for feedback or asking him about what caused the tone of his or her email) instead of avoiding it.
This is leadership energy and it’s highly attractive.
When most guys are interacting with women, they are in a reactive mode. They are judging their words carefully before they speak and they are skirting around what it is they really want from the situation and what’s really on their mind. They are not indifferent to the outcome, and if the interaction doesn’t go according to their internal “plan,” then they are emotionally and even physically triggered. (Examples of being physically triggered: going white in the face or blushing, nervous tells, heavy breathing.) This is very unattractive behavior and is a major signal that the man is of low status compared to the woman.
Have you ever been in a crowded place, maybe a bar with lots of other people around and totally embarrass yourself? How do you typically handle those types of situations? Do you shrink away and hide, laugh it off, or just fully own your emotions even if you feel like a complete tool? There are reactive as well as proactive ways to handle it; some are more proactive than others. You can either ignore the tension, release it, or welcome it. Most men are not aware of how reactive their responses are and automatically go to either ignore or release.
So, when you’re interacting with women, start noticing: Are you being reactive or proactive with tension? If you’re nervous, are you trying to stuff the feelings down and hide it or resist it? Or are you owning your nervousness and even enjoying it as an exciting feeling of being alive and having this beautiful woman in front of you get your heart pounding
There’s a big difference between being meek, apologetic, and reactive to your nervousness versus being proactive with it.
Embarrassment can actually become an aphrodisiac. For many of my clients when they start to get ok with embarrassment, own it and enjoy it, they then can freely, proactively let women see their embarrassment. And the women love it! Because it’s so real, vulnerable, and honest and this believe it or not will create attraction.
That’s true confidence.
You won’t get it perfect immediately. It’s a process. Just start noticing it and seeing how you can start playing with being more proactive.
