Whether it’s someone who hurt you in a relationship, someone you never even dated, or even a friend or family member you’ve been estranged from, there’s one powerful question I’ve been asking clients lately that I think is at the core of how to get over someone – anyone.
I teach clients a powerful meditative process of letting go that you can start learning the basics of in this post if you’re new to the website, but sometimes things need to be delved into from different angles to identify what’s really in the way of letting go and moving on.
So when someone is getting really stuck on how to get over someone, I ask them to ask themselves this question:
What does this person give me that I don’t believe I can give myself internally?
I touched on this question generally in a post about emotional overwhelm last week, but I wanted to write about it again specifically in terms of how to get over someone because we all get stuck on people we need to let go of from time to time, myself included. And the answers to this question are what really need to be dealt with to actually get over them.
But you have to be brutally honest with yourself if you actually want to get over someone you’re stuck on.
Let’s go over some of the common answers and some ideas for you to play with:
They give you love.
Meaning at some level, you don’t believe you can give yourself that same feeling. You don’t think you can give yourself the love this person gives you. This is ultimately a form of codependency. A lot of society is codependent. You’re relying on someone else to love you instead of deeply loving yourself. You CAN give yourself the kind of love you got or were seeking from this person (and others). You just need to work on it.
They make you happy.
This again is codependent. Why don’t you believe you can make yourself fully happy? I assure you, you can. But don’t just force yourself to “believe” you can if that’s far out of your reality. Explore and release on it and everything that comes up along with that idea using the basics of releasing (aka letting go).
They give you the experience of being in love and/or connection in general.
Being in love and having strong intimate connections is a beautiful part of life, but you truly can have a lot of this experience if you really get connected with yourself and fall in love with yourself. When you really do this, other great people and even greater connections and relationships will be drawn to you. Because when you truly are connected with and in love with yourself, you become magnetic. People want to be around you and in your life.
They give you a relationship.
This is pretty much the same as the last one, but different words and ways of putting things hit everyone a little differently, so I wanted to put this one in, too.
They give you confidence, self-esteem, validation, or all of the above.
Foster your confidence and feeling great about yourself without the need for anybody to do it for you. That’s true freedom, power, and a powerful come-from to welcome future people into your life. It’ll attract great people and create stronger relationships.
They were family, or maybe their family had become yours.
I know this kind of thing can feel very hard to get over and move on from. How to get over someone in this case, though, does still go back to providing a strong sense of love and connection to yourself. It’s totally possible. There are plenty of people who have lost what feels like family members or been estranged from actual family members and have moved on to be very happy. Again, it’s taking time to really build up the love you have for yourself. More on that under the next answer.
They give you a sense of adventure or an activity or travel partner.
In my post about emotional overwhelm, I wrote about how one of the answers one of our team members, Mike had for a woman he was struggling to get over was that he felt like this “girl was giving him adventures he wouldn’t experience with other people. He felt like her outgoing, ‘fuck-the-rules’ attitude and wit everywhere she went was making his life more fun and fulfilling.”
He felt like he wouldn’t have many opportunities to meet and attract a woman like this, and that he couldn’t have the adventures and lifestyle without her.
I hope you can see how both of those are bull. The “But there’s not many like them!” thinking is always a load of crap. There are so, so many people on this planet.
And the main thing here is that he can create all of that lifestyle for himself. When he believes it, he will…and he’ll attract women on those frequencies.
You may feel like you can’t go on adventures and travel by yourself because you’re afraid of being on your own…or being seen by others on your own. That’s a big stigma for a lot of people, being seen doing this or that by themselves. But if you truly love yourself and don’t care what other people think, none of that will matter. And you’ll own it so well – you’ll be so comfortable with it – that people will be drawn to you because you have the balls to do it on your own. Besides, we tend to make up a lot of people’s judgements in our heads and it’s not even reality.
Fear of doing things on your own, whether it’s the fear of being seen or other fears, is something you should challenge, anyway. This can be a very important piece for how to get over someone. Take yourself to a nice dinner, go to the movies solo, go travel by yourself, date yourself for a while. That’s another thing I assign to clients who get a little addicted to women or validation.
Dating yourself can also be great for the family answer above.
You don’t believe you can get great sex or a great relationship with someone else.
Go back and read through my thoughts on the above answers. There are lots of people out there perfect for you, and this one especially is about your confidence.
Your answers will be unique to you. The first step is about getting really honest with yourself about what the answers are. Then you can work on those beliefs because they’re just stories you’ve made up in your head, gotten from society, friends, family, or other sources. But they’re just that. Stories. Limiting beliefs. Bull. Shit.
The answers are always within. Especially when it comes to how to get over someone.
And in this process, remember that you’re human and don’t beat yourself up for having these beliefs, insecurities, or attachments, either.
Related:
Start Believing in Yourself with These Powerful but Simple Steps (The basics of Letting Go)
3 Steps to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
How to Handle Being Overwhelmed with Newfound Emotions
How to be Good with Women – Loving Yourself Isn’t Lip Service | Inside FEARLESS #42
Questions? Find me @BrianFearless on twitter!
