Last year, my business-partner, Dave, and I wrote an article for sex and relationship expert Emily Morse and her blog “Sex with Emily” about confidence through flattery and how it can make relationships and sex better. It’s essentially about the power of appreciation, and how to show appreciation the right way – from going out on a date with her to having sex with her. Learning to truly appreciate women is such a game-changing thing that I wanted to bring the article back up here.
First off, appreciating the person in front of you – from women, to friends, to business situations – is a key to coming off more confident to others and feeling more confident internally. Because when you’re more focused on the other person than yourself, you’re not as focused on your insecurities or what people are thinking about you. You’re also actually getting to know them much more when you’re focused on them versus yourself.
So appreciation and genuine compliments go a long way towards creating and sustaining connections and relationships…when they come from the right place.
The reason you may have been taught not to compliment women in the past is that the person or people telling you that are trying to solve for men coming from the wrong state of mind when giving compliments.
The question, as we wrote in the original “Sex with Emily” piece:
“Are you really doing it just because you appreciate her and want to give to her with no expectation for something in return, or is it largely to get something? To get her in bed, to get some other form of validation, to get “permission” to go out with the guys – these are just a few examples of covert contracts. They aren’t coming from an appreciative or giving place – they’re taking, insecure, and dishonest.
Your emotions can be felt by other people – part of what makes great actors and speakers’ performances so impactful is that they’re so deeply feeling the emotions of the character or the subject they’re speaking about.
Women tend to be experts at picking up on emotional subtleties, so if your “appreciation” is really coming from a place of insecurity or trying to get (validation, sex, general dating or relationship “points,” etc) she’ll feel it.
She may know what’s going on consciously or it may be subconscious. But something will just feel “off” at some level and it won’t be as impactful – she may even feel resentful or turned off and not understand why.
Can you appreciate her from a self-validated place without the need (neediness) to get anything in return? When you do that, you’re much more likely to get genuine appreciation and generosity in return anyway.”
A piece of this is if you look at her searching her face for her reaction to what you just said, THAT’S where she’ll sense the neediness, insecurity, and/or validation-seeking energy from you. It makes the words you just said less solid and powerful…even disingenuine in some cases.
When you give a compliment, try to be as specific as possible. It shows you’re paying attention and separates you from the pack.
Then it’s about really feeling and embracing the appreciation, turn-on, and emotions in your body before and when you say it. That’s part of what “getting out of your head” actually means. Being present with yourself and with her as you say it. Feeling it.
That will cause a shift in your body language, your face and micro-expressions, how you look at and into her, what words you actually end up using, and your tone of voice.
Speaking of tone of voice, don’t rush through compliments. Take time to take her in like a cool glass of water, and take time to deliver your words with intension and build chemistry. And really look deeply into her eyes.
How does this all translate to sex?
Instead of obsessing over getting her to orgasm, “allow yourself to get caught up in how much you just enjoy her body, how much you love going down on her and how she feels in your mouth, how she feels when you’re inside of her, touching and kissing all different parts of her, etc. Feel your turn-on and let her see, feel, and hear that.
This way, she feels great about herself because of how turned on you are and how much pleasure you’re getting from her versus you trying to achieve a goal.
She also doesn’t get a sense of pressure to orgasm from you, so that allows her to lose herself to the moment, making orgasm much more likely.
Appreciating her body = more fun and satisfying sex for both of you…and probably more of it…and more adventurous sex…need we say more?”
When you watch a beautiful sunset, you don’t expect anything from it in return. Treat appreciating and complimenting women in the same way: appreciating them for just being.
We go into all of this more in-depth in the original article, so check that out here.
And consider joining me at my next “The Fearless Man Live” seminar! For two days, we’ll dive deep into fear, getting good with tension (giving compliments can – and actually often should – come with a lot of tension) and appreciating women, confidence, women, sex, success, and more. And in the evenings, you’ll have a group of like-minded men and some of our coaches to take you out and get you practicing, pushing your boundaries, and progressing right away. Tickets are very affordable. Check out the event now.
