Whether it’s only an occasional issue for you, or something you struggle with constantly, most all of us have had to deal with premature ejaculation (P.E.) at some point in our lives.
I wrote about sexual control a couple months back, but I want to dive into it in more depth because it can really be a microcosm of our whole lives and beingness as men, so stick with me if parts of this is review for you – we’re going much deeper this time.
Now, maybe the “premature” element of sexual control is something you don’t have a problem with and you have lots of good, extended sex…but you’re less motivated to be productive, or just get out of bed after sex (or after masterbating). Or you just wish you had the same motivation and drive in other parts of your life that you do when you’re in bed with a woman.
This stuff is all connected.
If P.E. is specifically an issue for you, the importance of learning control should be obvious – it can be frustrating to deal with and eat at your confidence in bed, and leave you – and the women you sleep with – unsatisfied.
That sexual confidence even impacts how you first approach a woman you’re attracted to.
But the ability to control your own arousal and your energy, drive, and focus in other parts of your life are all connected, too.
And whether it’s premature or not, if you’re ejaculating too often (whether with women or by yourself), that is a drain on your body and energy.
Both ejaculating and replacing your semen supply requires your body to use a lot of energy. And you’ve probably had the experience of feeling exhausted, or just a little less motivated after you’ve cummed.
All of a sudden, you go from being pretty into the girl you’re with to “meh,” or motivated to take on your day (like before morning sex or morning masterbation) to a little lethargic or lazy.
I’m not saying have less sex, though!
What I’m saying is that learning to abstain from ejaculating can lead to better sex, confidence, attractiveness, and you reaching your overall potential as a man.
Ruwan Meepagala is a friend of mine and a great sex, relationships, and creativity coach for men and women – he’s been featured in Psychology Today, AskMen.com, The Good Men Project, Orgasm Daily, and many other publications. His approach and many of his teachings are right in line with the ones here at FEARLESS.
He also advocates for disciplining your ejaculations, teaching clients and his audience how to develop sexual control even while orgasming (Yup! You can orgasm without ejaculating), and I myself have learned a thing or two from him.
“Being able to control your own arrousal,” as Ruwan puts it, “is an underutilized source of great potential in many areas of your life.”
Many of my own clients have taken on “NoFap” (no masturbation) challenges and found they’re much more motivated to actually walk up to women, flirt with them, and really stay committed to their daily confidence homework. Not jerking off – not releasing that tension and energy – keeps them driven, focused, and growing their confidence and success with women at a faster, more consistent rate.
They develop that masculine, sexual edge. That edge that makes women think (and sometimes say) “Damn! Who is this guy?” and get turned on just by your presence and vibe…along with how you’re interacting with them a little differently. Remember, women operate based heavily on emotions and subtleties, so even small, little changes in you can make a big difference in the dynamic and vibe of your interactions with women.
And clients have also noticed their drive and energy for the rest of their lives improve. Again, it’s that masculine, sexual edge and energy applied elsewhere. It’s that focus, that maybe even just slightly angry hunter in you.
Because as Ruwan teaches, we’re wired to create life – to procreate. Sex is a literal, physical and biological transference of energy intended to further the circle of life by creating more life.
But we can create a lot of other things with that same energy when it’s channeled the right way.
I often reference Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron talking about how he’s “cumming all the time,” throughout his daily life: from when he’s working out, to when he’s crossing the street. He’s channeling and living through his sexual energy. And it makes him feel really alive.
If you’re new here, tension is essential for growth, getting things done, and success in life and with women. You need to put tension on your muscles for them to grow, and the same applies for the rest of your life. That tension can even simultaneously hurt and be enjoyable with the right attitude and relationship to tension, just like (healthy) pain in the gym and after working out can feel good.
And avoidance of tension and being uncomfortable (aka being outside your comfort zone) is one of the major issues we face in today’s instant-gratification obsessed society. Louis CK, sexual harassment claims notwithstanding, makes a really great point about this and cell phones:
That’s how badly people today want to avoid the tension and discomfort of facing the deep-down parts of themselves. So instead of confronting these parts of ourselves, working through it, and coming out the other side happier, stronger, and more successful people, we distract ourselves with smartphones and cat videos.
Or ejaculating.
Or a safe, secure, middle-class job.
This avoidance of tension we’re talking about also equates to the curse of the middle class.
Many times, those in the middle class feel more stuck than even those in more dire, impoverished conditions.
Because growing up poor, there’s often more motivation, drive, and flat-out urgency to grow, succeed, and climb out of your current situation. And that experience and urgency is likely to stick with you for the rest of your life.
In the middle class, things are ok. They may not be great, but they’re not terrible or dire, either. It’s easier to get comfortable in the middle class, in middle management, and etcetera.
And what does the middle class value above all else?
Comfort and security.
Safe, secure, comfortable jobs. Not taking too much risk. Routine. Instant gratification and comfort in the form of watching loads of TV and relaxing on the couch at the end of another routine 9-5 day. Living to drink and do the same things every happy hour and every weekend to numb out and release the tension of the lack of fulfillment they’re getting week to week, month to month, year to year.
It’s very similar in mindset and coping mechanism to the comfort of the tension release of jacking off and cumming all the time, or even using sex (with ejaculation) too much to relieve the tension of life rather than actually facing the underlying issues and emotions.
People like Arnold, people like Virgin Group founder Richard Branson, they run towards tension instead of away from it or using distractions or short term releases from it. They enjoy that tension, live off it, and create off it. They even use it to change the world for the better.
As Ruwan has talked about in videos we’ve featured on the blog, “To be creative, you need a surplus of energy.” Frequent ejaculation reduces testosterone, makes you more apathetic, more easily overwhelmed by fear, and less courageous to go after what you want.
“What defines a man is how he goes after what he wants,” Ruwan points out, and his clients have reported having clearer minds, more energy and courage, and feeling more attractive and magnetic when they learn to orgasm without cumming. It doesn’t mean you never cum. It just means you’re able to control and choose how often you ejaculate.
Your attractiveness to women and creating that sexual spark with them is all about creating and managing sexual tension and tension with women in general. And as Ruwan puts it, when you’re not in a semen and energy-depleted state, you’re “more likely to make eye contact, be expressive, and handle tension in your body – that’s the real you.”
In relationships, and especially in marriages, where the problems begin is often in that flame that brought you two together dying out. And part of that is often that you’ve stopped seducing your girlfriend or wife. When you can choose not to ejaculate every time you have sex with her, you again keep that edge and energy that can help you stay motivated and excited to keep seducing her.
As you’re getting more and more arroused, you’re more and more focused on the object of your arrousal. When you cum, it’s a release. You relax. It’s nice, but you’re likely not as focused, attentive, or interested any more.
Hopefully the wide-reaching potential of this is all starting to connect for you. And if orgasming without cumming seems crazy or like something that’s out-of-your-reality difficult, just realize you perceive it that way because of cultural conditioning about what sex and orgasm is.
Ruwan makes the comparison to Intermittent Fasting (I.F.): The first time you hear about it, it might seem crazy or extreme. But when you actually start to learn more about it and the history of eating, you realize that it doesn’t have to be much different than from the days (as just one example) when people ate supper much earlier in the day and didn’t eat for 14-16 hours until breakfast…because their houses weren’t filled with snacks. You ate at meal time and that’s it.
And if you actually try it, you start to realize those hunger pangs (and getting “hAngry”) are often more about thirst than hunger, and can be easily quelled by drinking more water. You may well realize, as I and several members of my team who’ve tried I.F. have, that your stoicism, emotional strength, and grounding increases along with your overall energy and focus. You spend less time dealing with and worrying about meals. And all of a sudden, I.F. isn’t crazy or extreme at all. It’s simple and totally doable.
These arousal control teachings have been around for centuries, but what I love about Ruwan is how he breaks things down in a simpler, more step-by-step, actionable way than some of the ancient tantra and other teachers.
Ruwan will be one of the speakers at our new event, The Integrated Man Summit in Miami this November, and I want to really show you how he’s going to blow your mind at the Summit. Register for a Free Exclusive Training where Rowan and I will be diving deeper into the topic of how your sexual expression and how it impacts you masculinity. Ruwan will be teaching you how sexual relationships correlate to your masculinity. Don’t Miss It!
Leave us a comment below or questions you have about this topic.
