A fan asked me how long should you keep a conversation with a girl going before you ask her out, and I know this is something many men are unsure of, so let’s discuss.
To be honest, this is a hard question to answer. Every scenario is different. Every woman is different!
If you’re new to the website, I’m not big on techniques or having a hard “plan” for this kind of stuff because – among other reasons – you’re dealing with human beings and emotional connections, which are never exactly the same and come with literally endless variables.
Sometimes the right answer is 2-5 minutes. But it could also be 10 or 15 minutes.
It depends on how long it takes to open her up emotionally. Usually someone who is advanced with connecting emotionally can do it faster. But if it takes longer than you’re “expecting,” then that is just what it takes! Especially when you are out learning.
Sometimes you have a really solid connection right away. I’ve had experiences where I’ve said 1-2 sentences to a girl and I got her phone number and went on a date with her.
Now, I have to admit that often, getting a number so quickly like that – the connection usually isn’t that solid, and she may not reply when you text her…but sometimes it is! If there’s a strong rapport in a few seconds, then a real connection can happen that quickly.
What happens with a lot of guys though is that they can spark attraction and chemistry with women but no true emotional connection. No sense of them “leaning in” to you energetically.
This is is a very common problem. You need to work on rapport – getting to know each other – and getting them to feel something with you. Attraction and chemistry gets them turned on and having fun, but the question is, is she curious about you? Does she care about who you are? Does she feel a strong sense of connection…and trust?
Really pay attention to how it feels more than to your watch and trying to calculate a time frame.
Getting a girl to “lean in” to you can take a few seconds, 5 minutes, or significantly longer. It takes a while for her to invest in you, connect emotionally, and trust you.
Spend time with her, take her on an “instant date” – where you grab coffee, walk somewhere, or do some activity right on the spot – even if it’s only for a few minutes.
There are some differences in the dynamic of whether you’re meeting her on the street, during the day, or at a bar at night, for example. Still the same idea, but you have to read the energy and vibes of the people around you.
In bars, it’s a louder, crazier environment, whereas meeting women during the day, the atmosphere is typically calmer. You need to be aware of and adjust to all that. In the bar, it’s easier to be a bit more forward, faster. During the day, you may go a little slower with just how direct and forward you are. (However, this doesn’t mean you should censor your compliments too much, either. Many men are scared to give compliments, especially during the day. The more comfortable you are with it, the more comfortable she’ll be. I still encourage most guys to be much more direct and blunt than they think is “ok” during the day, as long as you do it in a connected, respectful way.)
There is a sense of being seen – being exposed – more during the day.
When you’re talking to someone in a daytime environment, they notice your subcommunication more. When you go into a bar, it’s dark and people have been drinking. People may not notice your subtleties right off the bat. They will see your solidness and forwardness, and in loud, party environments, those transmit a louder signal than other qualities.
During the day, you need to relax and feel comfortable being seen more on an emotional level. At night you can be more bold, crazy, and loud. Ultimately, night and day aren’t that different – it’s either a bigger energy or a quieter energy, depending. But like everything else, it’s even moreso about you being comfortable and confident with your energy and vibe.
I’ve seen girls at night be totally walled off, and then girls who jump right on top of you. And I’ve seen the same thing during the day.
A lot of girls out here in California are on vacation from different countries and they want to meet guys. They want to have fun. Another girl might be getting off work and tired and in a hurry. Or she might be running late. There are so many distinctly different energies of scenarios you could run into.
The situation is what you are really dealing with. At night, she might be out with her sister or brother. In that scenario, she might be conservative and slow to open up because she is worried about what her siblings will think. That’s going to be very different than if she’s out with her wilder friends.
So how long should you talk to a girl before asking her out?
Her vibe and energy, the situation, the environment, as well as how comfortable and relaxed YOU are with all of that is what you’re really dealing with. Not a set time period for how long it takes to connect with women before you get a phone number or ask her out.
Related:
How to Give Women Compliments so They Get Attracted to You
How To Be More Attractive to Women by Developing Your Indifference to Outcome
5 Keys to Start Conversations With Girls That Lead to Dates
