Sex with friends does work. If you step into it from a confident, clear place.
It’s a lack of communication, authenticity, and honesty – with yourself as much as your partner(s) – that causes the problems that inevitably plague so many “friends with benefits” situations.
And a lack of those things is usually coming from lacking the confidence to be real and clear in a way that could mean the relationship doesn’t last…or happen at all.
If you don’t have the confidence and belief that you have plenty of options, you’re more likely to pussyfoot around things and not get clear or maintain clarity with yourself and your FWB partner out of scarcity mentality.
Huffpost‘s Brittany Wong just published a piece on friends-with-benefits: “How To Have A Friends-With-Benefits Relationship That Isn’t A Mess.”
FEARLESS’ own executive director, Dave Stultz, was one of several dating and relationships experts interviewed for the article:
“FWB relationships are interdependent style relationships so … you must respect the other person’s decisions and lifestyle,” Dave said. “This person is not your girlfriend or boyfriend, so you have no say in what they do and who they do it with.”
You’ve got to be honest with yourself – so if you’re “prone to jealousy, have an anxious attachment style or are secretly pining for a real relationship, FWB is not for you.”
And if your FWB partner decides to start seeing someone else seriously, you’ve got to be ok with that, too.
Other FWB “dating” advice and relationship management tips from the article:
Clearly define “friend” and “benefit” for yourself, and make sure your definitions align with your partner’s.
“Right from the get-go, openly discuss what you’re both looking to get out of this FWB arrangement: Maybe Netflix and chill works for you, but you don’t want to stay the night at each other’s places. Conversely, maybe sleepovers and brunch the next day is totally cool with both of you. Just be sure to talk about what you’re comfortable with early and often, said Kyle B.”
Remember, if you’re not communicating openly and clearly about this stuff, the cause almost certainly involves fear, if not being entirely about fear. What would you do if you were not afraid and believed there were endless women you could connect with and have sex with? How would you communicate about this FWB relationship? Probably very solidly, openly, and clearly.
“And it should go without saying: Always speak up if something isn’t sitting right with you, and genuinely listen when your friend feels similarly.”
Don’t start an FWB with anyone you want something more with.
“There’s no reason to play the cool girl (or guy). If you know you want something more from someone, don’t cross the line into FWB territory thinking you can handle it, said Christal Fuentes, a relationship coach and the host of the “Talk Listen Change” podcast.
“Do not start something casual with them when you know damn well it wouldn’t feel right to you,” she said. “Sure, FWB has the possibility of turning into something more, but do not go into FWB agreements with an expected outcome.”
Again, indiffernce to outcome and abundance mentallity.
Be completely transparent about your sex life.
You’ve got to “have a clear understanding of how open or exclusive the arrangement is. You should also feel comfortable asking your partner about their sexual history.”
“A client I spoke with yesterday was getting jealous that his ‘special friend’ was also getting together with other guys,” Kurt Smith, a men’s therapist said. “Another guy I’m counseling still resents his FWB because he now has herpes and thinks she gave it to him. Clearly, honesty on these subjects is crucial, and choosing someone you believe you can trust is vital.”
Recognize that FWBs and f**k buddies are entirely different things.
Dating coach Kev Hick makes the point that too many people these days confise FWBs with “fuck buddies”:
“FWBs care for each other with or without the sexual benefits,” he said. “They’re real friends who have added sex to their bond. Fuck buddies are people who are friend-like but truly only manage the relationship to maintain sex. There’s little expectation of loyalty because the bond isn’t meant to be emotional but physical.”
FWB relationships are all about respect and boundaries.
“When you get down to it, an FWB relationship is still very much like a relationship,” Fuentes said. “Ask yourselves: What do you want out of this? What are you asking from your FWB partner? Honor each other’s boundaries. As with any relationship, without respect, it will be easy to overstep someone’s boundaries.”
Prioritize the friendship over the benefits.
“At the end of the day, you’re friends who have sex. If you were truly friends before you added the perks of sex, try your hardest to preserve that relationship, Hick said.
“The best way to do this is to spend non-sexual time together as real friends would,” he said.
