Despite only having one fully-able hand and poor balance due to my disability, there I was hitting a beach ball around the pool with strangers in Palm Springs this past Fourth of July weekend, working together with everyone to get some good volleys going and keep the ball up in the air.
It’d been a while since I’d done anything like that – certainly for a sustained period of time – and loving but not having played any team sports growing up, I was having a blast feeling like part of this impromptu team, feeling a little athletic (especially with all the gains I’ve made in the gym [and in my nutrition, where it especially counts] the last year, and learning a lot about keeping the ball going around in sync with everyone.
It just felt really good.
But then, I caught something else I was doing in the background.
Being very hard on myself.
Almost every time I missed a ball or mishit it so someone else either a) couldn’t get to it or b) could only barely save it and hit it in a way that the next person couldn’t get to it, there was embarassment and these little thoughts like:
“You idiot. You’ve GOTTA put more touch on it and plan your passes better.”
“Why’d I hit it THAT way?”
“Gotta be better than that!”
“Ugh. I’m screwing the game up.”
“I’m just not as good as everyone else.”
There I was, not letting my disability hold me back, and tearing myself down in the background. Maybe some people poolside were silently judging (and you just can’t worry about those people and Really Live, as one of our company slogans says), but I have no doubt a lot were watching and thinking how awesome I was for being right in there with everyone else.
But I was taking away from my enjoyment of the moment and appreciation for myself by not giving myself enough credit and comparing myself to everyone else.
It’s true that it’s a human thing that many of us do too often.
But so is mindlessly sitting on the gram or Facebook or YouTube for hours on end. Just because it’s human doesn’t mean it’s serving us.
And a few days prior, I realized that I have even been doing that in a weird way around all my progress in the gym!
In the background:
“I’m spending too much time in the gym. I’m ridiculous.”
“Are you even focused on the right things?”
“You shouldn’t be so focused on this. Some of your goals are stupid.”
This one might be a little more complex. Balance in life is important, and I do spend a ton of time at the gym. But doing due dilligence to both sides of my body does often equate to, time-wise, working out like I’ve got two separate bodies.
And as Brian once said when someone asked him about goals that may not be “of the highest nature” and may be ego-centric (like, for example, me striving for a ridiculously shredded 6-pack), it’s all about the ego until the ego’s dead. Most of us don’t truly, successfully, just drop all ego in the blink of an eye. I’m pretty sure even Brian himself would tell you he still has plenty moments of ego. If you sit and worry about whether every goal you have is perfectly “good”, you won’t get very far or grow very much in life. Continue to self-evaluate, but go after what you want as long as it’s not hurting anyone.
Besides, the 6-pack is only one of my fitness/physique goals – and even that one could actually serve me and others in an uplifting way – but here I was, part of me at least, beating myself up for making more progress physically and getting more ripped than younger, less self-believing versions of myself could ever fathom.
Being such a stud in the gym that people, with more and more frequency, are coming up to me both in the gym and randomly out and about in LA to tell me how much they appreciate the motivation and inspiration I give them without me usually even realizing it.
To be being such a warrior in multiple ways all the while finding things wrong with all of it, human or not…that’s pretty sick. And I laugh at myself even writing that last sentence, because it, too, is being hard on myself.
But if it shows up in a couple areas (and we haven’t even touched on dating and relationships in this post, which – the former lack thereof – is what started this whole personal development journey for me), it’s probably affecting a LOT of areas in your life.
I’m more confident, connected, adventurous, successful, self-aware, and just stronger mentally and emotionally than ever – there’s just still a lot of work to be done. (But again, there always is. And also again, ask Brian or any of our coaches how much they’re still working on themselves.)
There’s still a lot of negative self-talk and weaker-than-I’d-like self-beliefs running. Sometimes in the background, and sometimes in the foreground. But I keep working on it and my life keeps getting more and more fun and just…better.
All that internal stuff and your emotions about yourself and life really has a major impact on everything in your life. How you relate to and connect with everyone around you – from potential dates and mates to family to friends to coworkers, bosses, employees, and clients…literally anyone and everyone you interact with. How you negotiate things with all those people. The strength of your connections and relationships. How you go after goals and succeed in them.
That’s why Brian, Dave, and Josh just finished teaching a workshop to a wealth management firm’s staff. Because this stuff going on “under the hood” in your mind, beliefs, and emotions has such a systemic impact on your life.
And of course, beyond your connections and “success”…just your life satisfaction and quality.
Besides even accomplishing the things I’m accomplishing and becoming the man I’m becoming, personal development and the depth of what we actually work with people on at FEARLESS is the only reason I’m now catching more and more of these moments of self-abuse and working on it. Because what’s the point of any of it if I’m never going to be really happy with myself and always have “Yeah, but” type thoughts trashing everything I accomplish in the background?
For me, years and years of talk therapy barely scratched the surface there.
And school? Forget about it. Lots of academics. Very little quality of life (or connection or even success)-skills.
So start taking more inventory on the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions subtly running in your day and life. Where are you treating yourself like a bully or a hater? Where can you sit for little moments and welcome some more appreciation, grattitude, and courage for yourself and life?
And if you ever think about investing in your personal development – whether it’s with us or someone else – but you have thoughts running like “That’s too much money,” “I can’t afford that,” or “What will people think if I spend the money on this?,” ask yourself what you do spend money on (How much was your last car? Your college education? How much money did you spend on booze or other entertainment the last year?) and how much that’s really worth…vs the quality of your entire fucking life.
Just a thought.
