Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in October 2019.
We’ve all heard it.
“I just want to find a nice guy!”
But to you, it doesn’t seem like it.
Because she’s telling you this as she sits right across the table from you…and “I AM a nice guy!” you think. She’s known you for however long…How does she not see that you are a nice guy?!
It seems like she only dates guys who are varying degrees of selfish jerks or bad boys. What. The. Hell.
Is she delusional?
Maybe. But more often than not, what she means by “nice guy” is a good guy. A guy who’s honest, open, and real with her. Like, really real. Not afraid to be real with her even if she doesn’t agree with him…even if it pisses her off. A guy who can spark – and keep sparking – sexual chemistry with her by creating and managing tension with her. Which again equates to not being afraid to say what he’s feeling and thinking, what he wants, what he doesn’t want, etc, in fear of how she’ll take it.
And if this kind of scenario sounds at all familiar to you, I’ve got some news for you to swallow:
You’re not a good guy.
At least you’re not being one right now.
You are being what we refer to as a “nice guy”…but that’s nice guy syndrome – being nice to a fault, being nice to get something (like sex or a relationship in the case of women) in return. As Brian sometimes puts it, being a chameleon. “Who do I need to be right now and what do I need to do or say for this girl (or anyone else) to like me?”
I used to do this constantly. In many social situations, I’d be attempting to adjust minute-to-minute, even second-to-second, to what I thought would make people like and approve of me, and mostly or entirely avoiding doing or saying things that I thought could upset people or make them like me less. I wasn’t always consciously thinking this stuff out, but the program was always running somewhere in my head. And this is extremely common “nice guy” (or “nice girl” for that matter) behavior.
That’s not really being nice, generous, or real. That’s being manipulative. A shapeshifter hiding behind various masks trying to get a result. Again, you may not be doing it consciously, but that’s what it is.
Really look at your behavior with women. Especially women you’re attracted to and have known for a long time, hoping at some level that they’ll come around and fall for you:
Have you ever even told them you like them? Have you outright told them how sexy they are or whatever raw, uncensored thoughts and feelings you have about them? Whatever you think to yourself when you see them, hang out with them, and even when they’re not around.
If not, ask yourself why not? What are you avoiding by not being direct with her?
(Now if you do say those kinds of things to women and there’s still a pattern of it not working, we’ll come back to that.)
You’re almost certainly worried about some form of rejection or disapproval. But by censoring yourself to avoid rocking the boat, you’re not really being yourself with her. That’s what’s really meant by “just be yourself” dating advice – saying and behaving in alignment with how you really feel and what’s really on your mind.
You may even be filtering thoughts so quickly, you don’t even realize what you’re really thinking or feeling.
You’re actually avoiding the very thing that creates chemistry and attraction – creating tension. Being bold. Being real.
And if you think of her as a friend who you’re hoping at some level to turn into a girlfriend or hookup, you’re not even being a real friend to her.
You’re being a fake friend who wants something out of her…and won’t even summon up the courage to tell her what you want. You’re snaking around it.
I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but it’s important this gets through to you because I was there myself for SO long, resentful towards women, feeling hopeless and helpless, and like women just want assholes. And this nice guy crap – without knowing it – was making me miserable, keeping women away from me romantically/sexually, and just making me feel so damn small and insignificant all the time.
At least the guys you see as bad boys and jerks are being more real with her. And I say “the guys you see as” bad boys and jerks she falls for because what you see as asshole or selfish behavior may actually just be healthy boundaries, self-respect, and putting themselves first in a healthy way. Brian calls that “healthy selfish.” Too many people put everyone ahead of themselves, which could and probably should be a whole post on its own (and something Brian has definitely talked about on video many times), so we’ll leave it there. But many of the behaviors I used to see as rude or selfish, I now see in a completely different light after shedding much of my nice-guy.
But the bad boy – even the true asshole – is more real with her than the nice guy because he’s not hiding what he wants and thinks. Now, if he lies and cheats, that’s obviously dishonest and will hurt her, but there are plenty of bad boys who don’t cheat or lie…and “nice guys” who do cheat and lie because they’re too afraid to make their wants and needs heard, so they resort to lying and cheating to avoid the tension of demanding what they want out of relationships. For the most part, the bad boy is showing up uncensored, real, and unafraid of her.
He wants her, sure, but he’s truly ok without her and with losing her if that’s what comes from sticking to his guns.
He’s being himself. He’s being bold and creating tension – especially sexual tension – with her. And all this is very sexy and attractive.
Now, if you have told her how you really feel and generally been direct with her, have you said it with feeling and turn-on, or do you say those types of things sheepishly, again worrying and bracing for impact of how she’ll react?
That’s still looking for her approval, looking for her to make being yourself ok. Not sexy.
This goes for the rest of your behavior and relationship with her. How are your boundaries? Do you bend over backwards for her out of hopes she’ll like you more (or maybe even reward you sexually)…or out of fear she’ll get upset with you if you aren’t taking care of what she wants and how she feels constantly? Are you adjusting your behavior or emotions to try to make or keep her happy?
Now, you may see her frequently getting frustrated with her bad boy-type lovers, or flat-out ending up hurt by them…but she keeps ending up with the same type of guy.
A few things could be going on here.
Now, if these guys she’s dating are truly toxic, she may well herself have internal issues that are resulting in her dating douche bags over and over.
But otherwise, there’s a good chance that tension she’s having with them is also causing sexual turn-on and even respect and an ultimate feeling of safety with them. Because they aren’t always doing what she wants which may frustrate her in little moments, but ultimately she’s got security and trust with those guys knowing that they’re being real with her and maintaining boundaries. They know who they are and have a spine with her.
That’s a lot more trustable – and a hell of a lot more fun – than nice guys who she doesn’t even truly know…because their personality and behavior is all based around what they think she’ll like. That’s no personality at all. There’s very little for her to even get attracted to, much less feel like she can trust.
So does this mean you need to be a “bad boy,” not fully open up to her and connect deeply with her emotionally (which is often the case with bad boys) and actively try to piss her off?
No.
Let’s go back to that nice guy she says she wants. The good guy. It’s a guy who has the bad boy qualities of being boldly, even fiercely real with her. A clear personality not based on her. But with a heart. With a heart that’s open to her and shared with her. A guy who is caring, really feels into her, and isn’t afraid to really open up to her in a deep way, but from a solid place with a backbone.
There are other pieces to it – ultimately, how solid you are in all of it. There are many layers. For example, though I’ve dropped a ton of my nice guy, become a whole lot more bold, and gotten much more in touch with my own backbone, I certainly still have more layers of insecurity to work through and times – and certain types of women – who get me ungrounded and trying too hard – not being as authentic. Most of us still have work to do and ways we can be more solid and real. But ultimately, it’s all different aspects and levels of the same stuff.
And then, of course, there’s just not being a match with her. You’re not supposed to be a match with everyone. But if what we’ve been discussing is a consistent pattern for you, that’s not the issue.
So start building an awareness of where you’re gauging women – and other people – for how to be, what they’ll like, what may rock the boat, or what might get the best result. Awareness is always the first step in any kind of behavior you want to change.
And when you start catching that, check-in with yourself to find what you really want to say, do, or how you want to be. What you’d say if you really weren’t concerned about how others would react.
What would you do and be like if you were not afraid?
(While respecting others’ own boundaries, of course.)
Not everyone’s going to like you. You may rub some people the wrong way. Often, that’s temporary and those very women and others will come to respect and like you for being real and sticking to it in the face of their pushback. And the ones who don’t – they aren’t your women and aren’t your people. That’s a good thing. That’s being a distinct, stronger person.
Practice indifference to outcome, being more grounded, and owning your nerves. And if this is something you’re serious about shifting as quickly as possible through world-class coaching, we’d love to work with you at an event.
