The middle class is taught to prioritize security and comfort, but that keeps most from moving up in the world or really living – facing and learning to enjoy tension and being uncomfortable is the key to a successful, fulfilling life.
Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared in June 2015 as part of the “Inside FEARLESS” series.
The curse of the middle class is comfort and security, and really, fear. Fear of tension and being uncomfortable. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. To a large extent, what they fear is fear itself, as Franklin D. Roosevelt put it. Being afraid makes you small, and living in fear keeps you small. The middle class is taught to make sure they have security so they can live comfortably and avoid becoming poor. If you follow sports, this is also known as “playing not to lose” instead of “playing to win”: Make sure you pursue a “realistic,” stable, career and get a stable job-then hang on to it for dear life. That’s at the core of middle class mentality.
Society’s perspective on tension is all wrong.
If you google “tension in life,” you’ll mostly find results on how to avoid tension. There’s even an article near the top of the search results, on a website promoting happy living entitled “Awakening: How to live a TENSION FREE life.” That’s literally (no, not hypothetically, but literally) impossible. Nothing can grow or even live without tension – you won’t get anywhere in the gym without putting tension on your muscles. And usually to get much growth, you have to put enough tension on your muscles and in your exercises that it hurts and that you’re sore after. “No pain, no gain.” And many people love the soreness they feel the day after a good workout because it reminds them how hard they’ve worked and lets them know they’re getting stronger. You can, of course, hurt yourself, learn bad habits, and just not really get anywhere if you put more tension (weight) on your muscles than you’re ready for.
The rest of life is the same, and we need to redefine tension and our relationship to it. You won’t have a great connection with a potential mate if there’s no sexual tension. You won’t experience much in life if you stay in your comfort zone and avoid the tension of the unknown, unfamiliar, and scary. And no CEO or other highly successful person does what they do by trying to avoid tension.
No, the successful among us seek out tension, making hard, pressure-filled decisions, and getting outside they’re comfort zones. They live outside their comfort zones. And they get good relaxing into tension…aka being good under pressure, in the clutch. Some of the best in their fields get even better when the pressure is on-facing high degrees of tension-than when things are easy.
And often it’s people that have struggled with poverty – or “failure” in whatever areas – that end up with elite success because they are the most passionate, unwilling to settle, and FEARLESS: They aren’t afraid of failing or struggling because they have nothing to lose…and when they start to succeed, they recognize that they got themselves out of bad straights before, that they can do it again if need be, and that facing tension is how they got there in the first place.
The middle class is stuck in their comfort zone at work and in life. Maintaining a comfortable, secure, low-stress (low tension) life is more important than going after their dreams. That desk job or middle management position is providing them enough to live a decent life – quitting and going after that dream job, career, or lifestyle is dangerous and will require them to live uncomfortably, give up their security, and step into a lot of tension-possibly for a long time.
So middle-class people tend to get their tension from the sidelines, safely in their comfort zones. Like the metaphorical zombies in “The Walking Dead,” they drive to and from work every day in a mass of numbed out faces and minds. They live vicariously through movies, TV shows, sports, and social media. The gravity of a comfortable life adds up. They settle for a wife or husband that may not really be all they want, 2.5 kids, a minivan, sex on the same night every week (or month)…and a mundane life that’s actually uncomfortable – maybe subtly, maybe not – because they’re living unfulfilling lives. They might not be truly living at all.
While people running towards tension in life and living outside their comfort zones get more comfortable in life as they grow, persevere, and succeed, middle-class people who avoid tension and cling to security and comfort get more and more uncomfortable as their lives pass by in front of their eyes.
And all too often, they are all the while teaching and socializing their kids, students, and others who look up to them to do the same.
So I ask you: What would you do if you were not afraid? How would you treat your goals and pursuing your #dreamlife if you knew you’d succeed? That attitude and changing your relationship to tension – not just getting out of your comfort zone temporarily, once in a while, but living outside your comfort zone and learning to love being uncomfortable – is the most important key to elite levels of success and making your #dreamlife a reality. Being good with tension is also what being confident is all about.
Start stepping out of your comfort zone and living bigger at The Fearless Man Live.
Full events schedule here, including our small-group Intensives.
For more on getting good with tension: The Power of Indifference to Outcome & Letting Go
More from Inside FEARLESS workshops
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