This is the third part of this mini-series on tension so be sure to check out Part 1 and Part 2 if you haven’t gone through those already.
In the last piece, we spoke all about how the fear of failure holds you back from stepping into Tension. This part deals with the opposite: The Fear of Success.
Fear of Success
In many ways, fear of success is more brutal than fears around failure. Fearing success is all about self-sabotage. It’s about the sense of your own worthiness, or lack thereof. It’s about not having the self-love to allow yourself your desires. It’s about shame and not wanting to most past your comfort zone. Fear of success is like showing up to a race and then shooting yourself in the foot “by accident,” whereas Fear of Failure is not even signing up for the race because you know you’ll lose.
This one frustrates me a lot. Not just because I’ve let it affect my own life, but because Fear of Success is like a small dog that has a big dog’s bark, and tons of men fall for it. Usually it comes up when you’ve had a major breakthrough and are starting to accelerate your progress.
I remember when my life was starting to improve I almost couldn’t believe it. Deep down, it didn’t jive with my self-image to be seen as a powerful and confident man. Women were starting to open up around me, socially, energetically, and… otherwise.
And as much as I was enjoying what I first saw as “glimpses” of a new life, I was scared by them. I felt like a fraud and that I didn’t deserve to feel this good about myself. Who was I to feel so great, to have beautiful women around me, to feel so free…
Almost as if it was be too much to handle – that I was faking my way through it and that it wouldn’t last.
For a while it didn’t. I would make mistakes that were easily avoidable. I would purposefully let new connections die. Thinking that the girl wasn’t really that into me, negatively misinterpreting and dramatizing things she said or did, or rationalizing that she wasn’t worth pursuing.
The first girl I was crazy about who I actually dated, all I did was constantly worry “How long till I fuck this up?” And surprise, surprise, training my mind to focus on that, it wasn’t long before I created that. I’ve gone on to have many relationships more fulfilling than that one, but that breakup is still the one that hurt the most. It hurt more than other breakups because of how crazy I was about her at the time. I felt the pain of not feeling good enough, and I created the “failure” though my fear of success and poor self-esteem.
I would also let my health slide after getting into a great groove. I was psyching myself out all over the place.
I was letting the fear of success block me at every turn. I knew underneath it all that I was doing great and that if I could just relax and figure out how to handle this new level of tension and success that I would be totally killing it.
How Fear (Of Success) Affects Tension
That led me to explore how fear of success affects tension.
A lot of the time my fears around success would manifest as being choked up or lost for words. Sometimes the words would be half-formed in my mouth. Other times, I knew what needed to be said but I would swallow the words back down. I’d often break eye contact and make myself smaller (physically or emotionally shrinking or both) around attractive women or other powerful men because I didn’t feel worthy.
Over time I realized that the “extreme” tension I was feeling in these situations was largely in my head. Yes, there was some tension, but I was making it worse than it needed to be by overthinking things. For example, what women probably saw as normal flirting was like lifting King Arthur’s sword from the stone to me. My internal fears and insecurities and all the thinking that ensued were adding a 35 degree wind chill to a 60 degree day.
I would feel this big fear when saying hello to super hot women even though I’ve said hello to thousands of women in my life. Sometimes it’s led to conversations, sometimes not, sometimes its lead to sex and relationships. But I’ve survived all of these interactions, good and bad. In fact, for many of them I didn’t even any emotional charge at all.
It was only the times when I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of beautiful women that I would feel this “too much” type of tension. When I didn’t feel confident becoming sexual with a woman, I would feel the same way.
That’s when I began to see this “extra tension” as a compass. It would directly point to where I had something else going on that I needed to look at. As I said before, a lot of it stemmed from my poor self-esteem.
And in order to build up my self-esteem, I had to work very actively to do it. This included my self-concept of who I was as a man and what my life looked like.
I realized the incredible importance of not just “how” I spoke to myself, but even the very way I framed situations and relationships.
I began to see how looking at my most successful encounters with attractive women as “glimpses” or “lucky, fleeting moments” was holding me back just as much as outright negative beliefs like “I’m not attractive” were. In other words, I wanted to not only celebrate my growth but also to normalize it.
It took me some time and practice to do it, but eventually I began increasing my comfort zone. I felt less anxious around attractive women and when dealing with higher levels of tension. I practiced changing how I thought about my successes and my results began to change.
When good things came my way – great interactions with beautiful women, big career opportunities, people in general responding to me with more respect and adoration, etc – I would think, and feel that it was normal instead of, “holy shit did that just happen!?” This began to build a subtle, but deeper and more powerful confidence than feeling like every success was a surprising hail-mary victory.
It’s the difference between a frantic, exhausting high that you need to recharge from and a constant, positive hum. I started to develop trust in myself, and then women started to pick up on my increased confidence.
It started to feel like I was the one “driving” interactions. Not just with women, but in every area of my life.
Now how do you begin to make this same transformation in yourself?
How you do it (or not) is ultimately up to you, but since we are in the business of transforming men into fearless badasses who get everything they want out of life, I do have some suggestions.
Authentic Self-Love & Appreciation
You can do this in your journal, in front of a mirror, or even just throughout your day without writing anything down.
It starts like many grounding practices that are designed to settle your energy.
To start, envision a bird’s eye view of yourself and begin saying objective facts about yourself, one at a time. These can be about your physical appearance or life in general. For example, you can say, “my hair is blonde” or “I have three brothers.” As long as they are objectively true, it works.
Next, move into things that feel good and areas or goals that you’re working on.
What do you already have and are you already making progress on in your life that you truly feel good about?
But don’t go with make statements that sound good but you don’t actually believe. This is where people using “positive thinking” techniques and affirmations go wrong all the time. The point of this first step is to bring you deeper into awareness with what your reality actually is.
If you find yourself going into the negative or having trouble truly believing the positives, you can practice what the teachings of Abraham-Hicks calls “Pivoting.” Let’s say you don’t believe “I’m good with beautiful women.” Instead of trying to force yourself to believe something, explore the exercises you’ve been practicing (and you should really be journaling your gains and successes of all sizes) for something you do believe. For example, “I’m not where I want to be, but I’m approaching beautiful women daily and they’re starting to respond better and better to me.”
Play with Pivoting yourself. It’s about really feeling authentic about the statements, and feeling good in your body about them as and after you say them. Play with the words-it’s about finding what works in that moment for your nervous system and makes you feel a little-or a lot-lighter. Helps you realize how you really are already moving closer to those things you want. Authentically, without forcing anything.
And don’t forget about feeling gratitude and appreciation for all of this. For all of these statements that make you feel good, take a moment to sit and really welcome that good feeling state. Welcome and appreciate that you already have good things going for you in your life. The more you take moments to really feel good about what you actually have going – and growing – in your life, the easier more will come.
Isn’t It Normal and Natural? You’re Designed To Be Attractive & Great with Tension.
As a man, you’re designed to attract women. (If you’re attracted to women, of course.) You’re also designed to step into and manage tension.
It’s in your nature to be attractive, confident, and good with tension. Being good with tension is a quality that brings you the women and success in any area of your life. As you continue to work on yourself, more and more of the real you will shine through.The man who’s great with tension and naturally attractive to women. The man who’s already there inside you, deep down.
So take your growing list of things you love about yourself and keep it handy. Now it’s time to consider your dreams and desires. The things you want in you life but don’t have quite yet.
And now with everything we just talked about in mind, stay in touch with your body, and ask yourself:
Wouldn’t it be normal and natural for a guy who has (insert something from your list) to also have (insert the desire or goal you’re working on)?
For some specific examples:
-Isn’t it normal and natural for a guy who has a good job and good friends who love him to also have a hot girlfriend?
-Isn’t it normal and natural for a guy who is approaching women regularly and working on himself to draw beautiful women into his life and be having lots of sex?
-Isn’t it normal and natural for a guy who’s working consistently on his side business to attract lucrative opportunities to him and create financial freedom?
Play with the “Isn’t it normal and natural that a guy who has XYZ would also have ABC?” format yourself. You can also use little adjustments like “Wouldn’t it be normal and natural for a guy who has XYZ to also have ABC?” – As I said earlier, it’s about what works and feels good for your nervous system.
This is just a little extra piece to helping you realize – and feel – how naturally attainable all your goals and desires can be. To open your body and mind to the idea that the growth you’re seeking can come easily and that it’s not some huge, scary mountain to climb.
What you focus on expands. So when you believe it can be easy, normal, and natural, your mind will focus on finding data & opportunities to prove you right.
If you feel resistance or the “yes” to a question doesn’t come naturally, then play with the wording, framing, and go back to Pivoting if you need to.
These practices prime your nervous system to the realizations that your desires are attainable and how you’re already making progress towards them. They are special and meaningful to you, but they are also a natural progression of who you already are and where you’re already actively headed.
Start practicing today and make it a consistent exercise. I can not stress consistency too many times!
And lastly, think about joining me and lots of other like-minded men at The Fearless Man Live for a ridiculously value-packed bargain of a 2-day seminar.
