If you have a pattern of getting friend-zoned or never having sexual chemistry with women, chances are that you’re avoiding something that is critical to sparking attraction and connecting with women beyond a platonic level: Tension.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published as part of the “Inside FEARLESS” series in May 2015.
In this video, you’ll get a first look inside the philosophies of how to create sexual tension and become confident naturally that FEARLESS teaches on day 1 of the Experience Intensive.
Brian explains tension, how “dancing monkeys” get it wrong, and why the same words-the same “Hello. I’m ____. What’s your name?” works for a confident man, but not a guy coming from Nice Guy Syndrome.
He also touches on the difference between practice – building social confidence, becoming indifferent to outcome, not caring what people think of you, creating sexual tension (etc)-and going out with actual goals around flirting and creating connections and/or taking girls home.
When approaching women, your attitude shouldn’t be “Does this girl like me?” or “How can I get this girl to like me?” It should be more along the lines of “Do I like her? What’s beautiful or sexy about her? Am I really interested in her?”
From “hello,” forward-if not before you even approach her-it’s about the energy-your vibe, beliefs about yourself, confidence, need for validation – not the words you’re saying.
If you are turned on by her and confident, feeling great about yourself, and not in need of her validation for you to keep feeling great about yourself-your “hello” will come across as extremely confident and sexy. That alone will start creating sexual tension.
Your non-attachment to the outcome is what makes you attractive to women. Girls will often start getting attracted to you immediately because you radiate confidence, upfront sexual intension, and you aren’t don’t NEED her to like you to keep being you. Indifference becomes sexy very quickly because then girls know they can poke at you (harder and harder) and play with you. That dance is what life’s all about!
But if you approach her meekly, nervously, women can feel that too. She can feel you putting her up on a pedestal above you, that you don’t and won’t feel confident unless she likes you; that you’re just hoping (so much!) for her validation. That’s needy and it’s often why women will say “He tries too hard.”
Men also so often forget that women are people too-and often very emotional ones- with their own insecurities (no matter how stunning she may look) and anxieties that they get in their heads about.
When you approach someone-anyone really, not just women-they may well already be far off in their own world and your approach surprises them. Or your approach just triggers their anxieties.
Your emotions transfer to other people (try walking around smiling vs scowling), so if you’re confident, in the tension with her (feeling sexual energy), and unfazed by whatever anxieties or emotions she initially gives you, that’s going to have quite an impact on her and starting the conversation off right.
But if you’re self-esteem is low and you can’t feel good about yourself without putting it all on her, how are your chances going to be at grounding out (being unshaken by) her anxieties or emotions? You’re probably going to make whatever she’s feeling worse, like snowballing down a hill of anxiety with her! It’s not going anywhere. Or maybe she feels like your (nervously delivered) perception of her isn’t something she can live up to.
Too often we forget that everyone has their own shit going on, their own baggage (daily, moment to moment, and long-term) and get lost in their own heads. This is why outcome independence is so important – because you can set the tone and simultaneously ground out-let go of-whatever you get back.
The “Do I like her?” attitude is actually giving, while the “Does she like me?” mindset is taking. The former is giving because your self-esteem isn’t based on her, and she’s free to feel and behave however she wants. You’re not asking for her to make you feel good-you’re interested in who she is. In essence, the latter smacks of “Please like me! Please!” which puts pressure on her to either give you the validation you’re trying to get (take from her) or make you feel bad by rejecting you.
All the lines, techniques, even “confident body language” that many dating companies focus on isn’t going to do much for you if you don’t feel solid in yourself and free from the need for validation.
Watch/read more on developing indifference to outcome and letting go here.
That’s why the practice part (with tension and general social desensitization) is so important. Brian always encourages people to start by journaling all the places they feel tension: making (or holding) eye contact with that cute girl, sitting or standing by yourself in the bar without pulling out your phone, asking someone intimidating (or that you feel bad for) to move out of your way, the list goes on. Tension is everywhere in your day, especially if you’re an insecure nice guy.
There’s a time for practicing and a time for meeting women. If you’re really struggling with women, you’re better off doing social exercises for the sake of your growth, having more fun socially, and just meeting people than trying to go flirt with women right away. Then, because you’re being indifferent about meeting girls, that will often start happening organically through your social practices and the charisma you’re building. Become aware of all the tension in your world, then start stepping into it more often and pushing your comfort zone.
It’s all about stepping into and relaxing into tension. Sitting there in it, holding the tension as she squirms a little while you’re unfazed. Enjoying her nervousness or (seeming) bitchiness; even feeling your nervousness but changing your relationship to it so that you enjoy that rush and own it. Then playing in that tension-filled but indifferent space.
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