As I went from feeling like I was “getting lucky” when I actually connected with women on a sexual level to feeling more confident, bold, and self-assured around women, flirting with them, and sparking great chemistry with them, there was one glaring issue that stood out to Brian and Dave as I continued to work on myself in their advanced programs.
I’d come a LONG way, but I was still quite addicted to getting women’s validation in order to feel confident about myself.
I’d gone from almost never getting a validation drug fix (pre-personal development in college) and absolutely hating myself for it to FINALLY getting a hit here and there and being up and down emotionally as I dove into personal development, to KNOWING I could get the drugs (and from women I’d been more intimidated by before)…
But living from one fix to another.
Feeling like total shit if a woman I really liked took the validation away.
Often taking rejections very hard. Actively avoiding them at the expense of missed opportunities and not taking risks.
Getting anxiety or shutting down at any sign that I could possibly interpret as her not approving of or liking me…even in the first moments of meeting a woman, when everyone usually feels a little nervous or uncomfortable! Hell, sometimes I was probably misinterpreting her being nervous because she was interested in me as her not liking me.
Besides the fact that it’s hard to connect with the emotionally strong, confident, edgy women I’m most attracted to (much less keep them around for long) when you’re coming from that place, it’s just not a fun, healthy, or empowering way to live.
As Brian said more than once, it’s like the “pickup artists” who do manage to get really good with women by faking it (and often manipulating) but don’t build real self-esteem and REALLY like (love) themselves outside of women and become a hot mess of needing more and more women to feel happy.
A lot of people – not just pickup artists and not just men – are like that to some degree.
Druggies.
Validation can be a potent drug. And I was H-O-O-K-E-D.
It’s a shitty place to be, and FEARLESS is about helping men be strong in all areas and…just happy. To be alive. To be themselves. With or without women in any particular period of time.
So one day, when the FEARLESS Models came in to this advanced workshop I was a student in, Brian sat one of them down across from me and told her:
“Your job is not to give him any validation. Be cold and shut down on him. His job is to stay open and keep enjoying you.”
And we were doing this exercise with no words. Soul-gazing (holding deep eye contact) only. So I couldn’t distract from the emotions and discomfort that came up from just holding eye contact with a woman for a long time.
A woman who wasn’t smiling at me or giving me any expressions or hints that she liked me. Who was doing the opposite.
My job was to enjoy her presence without needing anything in return or letting any “negative” feedback I was getting affect my sense of self-worth or my enjoyment of her. Staying open and connected to her all the while – NOT putting up a wall to the emotions she was giving me.
Brian walked away to get the next student and model pairing started. (This was years before we added three more coaches to have a coach at every model station, over the student’s shoulder almost all the time.)
The model – we’ll call her Sarah – crossed her arms, put on her best serious face, and slouched back in her chair.
I’d been working hard on myself. And directly on this freedom-from-outcome, freedom from attachment to validation thing.
So I relaxed.
I looked at Sarah and asked myself what was sexy about her and what I liked about her. (It wasn’t hard to get answers with this one!)
I checked in with my body and let myself get turned on as I looked into her eyes.
She sensed it immediately and doubled down on her efforts to shut me down and shut me out, tightening up and even dismissively breaking eye contact and looking away, annoyed.
As all this was happening, I relaxed a little more and asked my heart to stay open to her.
And I also found some playful cockiness. About myself, and especially about her trying to shut me out.
I began enjoying her attitude as funny and cute.
She tried harder to shut down emotionally and be serious.
She started to crack a smile but caught it, swallowed it, and tried to glare.
But I was having fun. I was turned on. And I was enjoying her anyway.
Flirting with her through her attitude. Making it a game.
Even making fun of her attitude, exaggeratingly mirroring her facial expressions and body language,
And then…
She giggled.
She couldn’t help it. I was being non-reactive and flirting with her even through her being cold.
I was being an attractive man.
And quickly, it wasn’t just me but WE that were flirting.
She kept trying to do her job, but it was useless. That behavior was now the flirtation.
We were supposed to be sitting in silence.
Instead, we laughed and giggled at each other for 30-40 minutes straight.
Brian came by to check on us, but it was so obvious what had happened that he too chuckled and walked away to let us flirt.
All without saying an actual word. When she was being paid to reject me.
To be crystal clear, this is different than a genuinely cold rejection.
We’re not meant to be a match for everyone, and some girls just won’t have any interest or be open to you at all. They’re not all going to get turned on just because you stay open and turned on. And very importantly, what I didn’t do is get angry or aggressive…or try to convince her to like me.
Some women I look at get very turned off and cold by how I look at them when I’m attracted (I’m usually VERY direct with women now, even in just how I look into their eyes), and nothing changes even when I stay open and light about it.
That’s ok. What matters is you and I doing our thing, enjoying ourselves, and appreciating women whether they appreciate us or not.
Like waves on the ocean, as Brian says. You don’t need anything from the waves to appreciate them. You appreciate them just for being.
Doing that will spark connections with the right ones.
And more importantly, make us more solid as men and happier as humans. (Which is what attracts the best women, anyway.)
It’s still not something I do well all the time (yet). The validation thing is still strong in me with how painful my lack of a dating life in high school and college was.
I still doubt myself a lot and get attached to outcome and validation a lot.
It’s all a work in progress.
But it’s come a long way.
And with that same light, free, open (and respectful-not angry or pushy) energy, I ended up dating a girl for 6-months who initially turned me down…many times. Because the whole thing quickly became a flirtation.
So start noticing where you’re quick to feel hurt, defensive, rejected, or emotionally shut down with women. This could be when you’re first trying to start a conversation with someone, on dates, by text, within a relationship (especially new ones), or anywhere. Awareness is always that first step.
Then see if you can start lightening up a bit. See if you can focus on just appreciating the woman more regardless of what you’re getting back. See if you can even enjoy the attitude coming at you and play with it…in an open-hearted way. Always respect her boundaries and know when to walk away, but see if you can even flirt with her through it.
Remember, it’s about you enjoying her and enjoying being you.
You don’t need anything in return from enjoying watching the ocean and its waves crashing. Its beautiful existence is the gift.
Learn about The FEARLESS Man Live Seminar.
Related Content and Resources:
Top 14 Books for Your Growth, Confidence, and Success as a Man
How to be Good with Women – Loving Yourself Isn’t Lip Service | Inside FEARLESS #42
How to Give Women Compliments so They Get Attracted to You
The Most Overlooked Skill to Attract Women – Be a Great, Connected Listener
Is Personal Development a Scam? A Disabled Person’s Story
