How Men and Women Sabotage Themselves Without Noticing

Welcome to this edition of becoming fearless, I explore the ways in which men and women sabotage themselves and stack the decks against themselves when it comes to love.

There are some dating challenges that men and women face without even knowing it. I explore the ways in which each gender sabotages themselves and stacks the decks against themselves when it comes to love. I have  Lynn Matalon am I saying it right perfectly it’s funny I’ve known her for quite a few I was just thinking the same about you I was like is it beginning is it like how do I not know how to pronounce his last name, yeah we’ve known each other for a while and my last name is Beijing actually like Asian with a b so two out of two was no go sorry we’re already failing as friends.

Nobody knows how to say my last name people who have known me for years will still say Beijing all kinds of weird stuff and Asian with a yeah that’s why my family says it but there are bayesian out there Beijing and that’s they say it the more the French way and I still don’t know if I’m saying that right either but it sounds nicer doesn’t it does it sounds fancy I should use that I feel like it feels weird I’m used to it you got to use it more.

So let’s go into your history with fearless and your personal history too around coaching, yeah well you know it’s funny I remember when we met you said you know people are always in your life for a reason and you never know where that journey is gonna lead to and here we are I think it’s been four or five years maybe it has been a while.

I’ve always been fascinated with not just dating but how people communicate and I believe that that came from the personal struggle I was not understanding why people were moving in and out of my life and I was a little obsessed about getting into my head.

And find out what I was doing wrong and that was mistake number one which is how I got into the industry I went through a pretty bad breakup and I found myself in a seminar that spoke to how men work and it instilled a little fire at me and whose program was that this was Matthew Hussey’s, oh yeah it wasn’t done by him was actually done by his dad two or three hundred women and they were so inspired they felt they were doing something similar where they had a container of three to four women that would go out together.

They’d kind of be wing women for each other right but the relationships they built from that and it went less about finding a guy getting a guy keeping guy into being your own woman being more in touch with yourself and your needs and it didn’t go as deep as fearless but that’s what got my path going and that’s the same basic principle that we do you know the whole idea of being fearless is as you become solid as a man you become powerful as a man and you start to loan your masculinity and your confidence and the women are just going to show up and we do teach some dating principles too.

But that’s secondary to loving yourself liking yourself feeling powerful feeling sexy and I see the same thing on a woman when a woman radiates her femininity and knows basically because she’s better than anybody else just because she likes herself then she’s very attractive well that’s why you know there can be a beautiful woman gorgeous head to toe but if she doesn’t feel it she’s not recognized there can be an average looking woman that just embodies herself and just is confident and that lady is so much more attractive and sexier than the one that’s more of a conventional good-looking girl.

You’ll see it in the way they walk talk carry themselves um Marilyn Monroe had was famous for these right normal jeans she would she could walk down the street and there was a story I heard just recently about how she could turn it on and turn it off like she would walk a certain way and make herself shrink nobody would notice her.

Nobody even realized it was Marilyn Monroe and then she goes and then she would say to somebody uh watch this and she’d turn on Marilyn Monroe oh wow pop you know to change her posture you know to start walking in a new way drop low in her hip so she’s intersexual energy and I actually know what I’m thinking about this I dated a girl that used to do this too and then everybody’s heads would start turning and everybody be like that’s Marilyn Monroe and no change she didn’t put on makeup, she didn’t change her clothes it was just a shift um with her I don’t know because this is a story.

I heard I believe it because I’ve heard this story many times and I can see it in Maryland because when you look at her and you take and you strip her down she’s not technically the most stunning woman it’s her energy it’s the way she exudes herself and so my ex-girlfriend was that way too she could make herself look average and she could also go out and drop into her hips and roll and walk down the street and heads would snap and it blew my mind these I was almost like two polarizing personalities she could bring out and when she wanted to yeah and it’s powerful and I think that this is also true.

I see this in men too we can disappear you know our sub communication is everything I’ll give you an example why aren’t the sexiest male models the ones you look at in magazines with their women say wow he’s sexy why aren’t they a-list celebrities and leading men actors uh winning Oscars because they don’t have that something and why do the average leading male and female actors and actresses not look like models.

Why do they you know and technically they’re attractive right but they’re not like that supermodel quality they’re like if you look at an al Pacino or you look at you know a Daniel Craig’s got his ears sticking out this way if you look at him technically he’s not he’s got a good build but you know what I mean yeah absolutely it’s all about the energy that you put in they’re beautiful big women.

I’ve seen women go out and get guy after guy after guy and I’ve seen beautiful women have trouble meeting guys and so this brings up another topic sometimes girls because women on average can meet guys pretty easier than guys can be girls because guys are expected to approach but several of the complaints.

I’ve had from women don’t meet guys which I remember talking to a girl about years ago and I don’t find I find that there are several reasons for that and the other one is that I don’t meet the type of guys I like um like one girl was saying to me a really I’ll give you the two examples the first girl was saying to me um I can’t meet a guy um and I looked at her and I said that’s weird how she wasn’t gorgeous but she wasn’t ugly she was an average girl and I said and says she goes and I go out to bars all the time no guys come up to me.

And I said well and I looked at her and I kind of took her energy in and I thought let me ask you some quick questions and then I want you to comment on this I said do you sit in a big pack of girls she said yeah and I said do you ever look at a guy in the eyes and then kind of look down look back a smile or anything like that she goes no so I said you got two major strikes there if you’re in a big pack of girls hiding that’s very intimidating for guys you’re not smiling at them you’re not looking at them you’re making yourself a wallflower within that big pack that’s another problem.

I said I just told her to sit with one girl and when you see a guy you like to smile and look down and look back and I came in the bar that night this was because I knew her personally and boy she was dancing up a storm she was having a great time, she was laughing and she actually ended up meeting the guy she had a child with that night and um and it was a powerful experience for her and she realized all this time she had been the one keeping guys away through her actions and then the other one I’ll tell you about the other one I want you to give me your feedback the other one um was a woman a cute little blonde he said I go out to bars all the time and the guys never approach.

My guys don’t talk to me and looking at her I knew her energy and I knew the way she was and I assumed she wasn’t a big pack of girls and I just said what you mean is guys you like don’t approach you guys to approach you all night right she goes well yeah yeah yeah but they don’t count so can you comment on these two what absolutely one it’s just women don’t realize how scary it is for a lot of men approach women especially if it’s not with drinking or at a bar or a situation like that.

So having that energy of being approachable that could be as simple as body language as putting yourself in opportunities or situations where they can more easily come up to you the more you’re surrounded by women the more the guy needs to be seen and kind of either rejected or accepted in front of a crowd essentially so no one would want to do that make yourself more approachable.

Like you said one or two women and also open body language if you’re having a conversation with your girlfriend then you’re squared off like this it’s very hard for a guy to come in there and introduce himself so open yourself up to the room the other thing you said that she was with the pack of women oh that she wasn’t looking around.

You need to kind of feel the situation be in the moment look around to see who’s attracting you who is it whoever that is making sure you’re giving those same signals back and it doesn’t have to be anything crazy but just a subtle eye glance and then return to your conversation and find the person again this time another eyeglass but hold it a little bit longer go back and then little flirtatious moves so it could be the twirling of the hair showing of the neck and just kind of smiling make that more available to him and do you find this was the next topic.

I was going to cover actually you let into it which is perfect all these little flirtatious moves these little signals that women send-off of flirtation how well do women know them on average when you run into these women today are they so in touch with their masculinity today they’ve lost them and what’s going on I was just gonna say I think that it’s a dying art I think that it’s almost a lost art we’re so nervous about getting in touch with that side of us that we’ve become very almost data-driven like why isn’t he approaching me.

Opening up myself but you’re not really feeling your body you’re not the way you said that I’m opening up myself and it sounds like a business deal that’s again as I’m saying it’s more data analytical transactional but there is no polarity there’s no sexism oh no now yeah do you see a difference like we’re in Romania right now Bucharest Romania and do you see a difference in the eastern European women in the average American women.

The women here are a lot more feminine, yeah they’re they play with that subtle stuff a lot more they do but they’re very powerful too yeah although the feminine is in my opinion uh men and ladies and men uh one of the most powerful energies.

It’s so powerful and so many women and so many men today at least in western society not over here uh they don’t seem to respect it like they should not even the men love it and they’re craving it a lot of women think that it’s almost like they think it’s weak or something yeah and that’s so not no it’s not it’s like you said you there’s so much power in there yeah and we need to be more in tune with that I mean there’s if you just think about the craze of a lot of American guys are looking for eastern European women.

Mark Edward Davis who you just met yeah I just did an interview with he was talking about the success of marriage he said if you put it a western man with a western woman the divorce rate’s around 50 maybe even a little bit more you put an eastern European man with an Eastern European woman the dwarf force rates pretty high or they don’t really really succeed either but you put a western man with an eastern European woman they tend to have a really high rate of staying together.

He’s been doing this for over 10 years through what 300 over 300 marriages two percent divorce rate that’s pretty insane and yeah and so um now, of course, they both wanted to be married the man and the woman he checked all this out they weren’t just you know but uh that’s pretty fascinating yeah and so and the one thing I see is that the American men are craving to find a feminine woman that wants him to be the masculine wants him to be her hero and I think that men too are now because we’ve lost that polarity they’re in they’re scared of also being masculine yeah there’s a lot of the whole toxic masculinity movement causes men to be afraid of masculine right and so we’re kind of lost we don’t know what role we’re feeling.

Then women take up the masculine role and you get and then what happens is I see a lot of women get used to taking up the masculine role and then they don’t let they don’t it’s almost like they don’t give the guy a chance and so reestablishing that dance consciously if you look at David’s work it’s beautiful work but reestablishing that dance of the masculine-feminine not that the woman can’t be masculine at work and the man can’t be feminine in his work maybe he’s an artist but when they come together in polarity just to keep that they come together in a relationship to keep that polarity alive knowing I’m going to step into my feminine with you right now I’m going to step into my mask and we’re going to do as an art.

It’s not as something we have to do something by choice and that’s what I want to have this division of the company really create I say that all the time I’m very grounded I’m very results-driven. I love business, I love working.

I’m in my masculine a lot eighty percent of the day it is very difficult for me to get into a relationship because I need a man to ground me and since I already have such strong grounding, it’s difficult to find that polarity but when I do it feels so wonderful because I’m able to go home let loose let go of that masculine energy and step into my feminine when you come into a relationship that’s not where you want to be no and that’s the beautiful thing it kind of reminds me of the CEO that’s in his masculine all day and he goes to a dominatrix at the end of the day just to be dominated so he can surrender.

Finally, surrender yeah because she’ll take all the power away and there’s that moment of ah I don’t have to do it all anymore and that’s uh that’s fascinating that’s what I want yeah I think that’s what we all want yeah as women yeah I would say that there probably are a small percentage of men and women that are reversed right.

You know there’s a small percentage of women that truly want to be the masculine and the small percent of men that truly want to be the feminine and that’s awesome find each other you know but yeah they’re out there yeah but this is a whole different what we’re talking about well you could just reverse everything we’re saying you know mm-hmm that’s perfect yeah you need polarity either-even if the woman has it she has the mask and then the man has to have the feminine but there has to have polarity.

Definitely because if you don’t have polarity what do you have two best friends and that’s attention yeah and if you want an asexual relationship that’s fine too because why you know with no tension nobody wants sex you lose interest maybe she’s got a hot body and you’re like oh I want a body at first but then after a few times having sex with no polarity you lose interest and vice versa same with the guy so talk about from your personal journey of a woman that didn’t get it like it was because she was so used to being trained into the masculine energy you’d go get it to make it happen.

I’m a woman hear me roar that kind of stuff um to a woman what’s that journey like going from that to a woman who’s starting to play more and more with being feminine in a relationship being feminine with men feels um for lack of a better word it just feels right it feels natural it feels like when I’m able to be in my feminine it feels like I can explore and I can be inflow.

I know that he will always have my back I know that I don’t need to worry um that I can just be playful and tease and not have to direct or to lead knowing that he’s got my back for that, yeah and so so when a lot of women out there they’re thinking about well I don’t know that I want to I don’t trust a man to take charge or lead or what would happen or where is it going to go you know things are going to go wrong.

Is it true that you’re surrendering all power I mean what’s going on there no you’re not surrendering power you are allowing yourself to be in your feminine you are um and that’s not gonna happen unless your partner is in his masculine of course but it’s not a power thing it’s an um it’s a dance I look at a woman when she does that and I ask myself there’s this misnomer out there this idea that if I do that then I just have to do whatever he says I’m just you know I’m like he’s in charge and I have to do whatever he says and that’s not what’s really going on is it no it’s not what’s really going on is that you both know that you’re going the same direction but the woman is not the one that’s leading.

A woman can always redirect the guy where she wants to go but we do it subtly we do it with emotion we do it with um communicating in a style that makes him feel like he’s leading even though truly the woman really is directing or guiding which you can do for a moment of time you do want to have him lead if that’s the kind of relationship you’re in well I think when both partners understand their roles and agree to play it like I do this in business a lot right who’s going to handle the masculine-feminine in the business it doesn’t matter if you’ve got two male partners two female partners um you gotta know these roles and that’s what I look at so I’m gonna for the guys out there listening to this I’m gonna translate it kind of into guy speak the world is the tension world and the woman’s world is the emotion world so the physical tension, emotional tension.

The tension like let’s say if we take an old village the guys are hunting protecting we go the most primitive society we can see it hunting protecting providing and they’re creating this nice safe space and here’s the wild world and here’s the safe space within it and they’re going to manage the walls of that space and make sure it has a constant influx of supplies you feel contained right the container.

They’re going to protect it the women go inside and fill up the inside of that space with love laughter and then that influences what the men do on the outside to go battle the world and then they come back and bring in more because they feel like they feel every time they give more to the world gives more back to them and they create a cycle and I think that’s what women don’t see is the power that they have inside that space to influence what happens outside that space and vice versa.

What does that look like in a modern relationship I’m exploring this right now this is the first time I’m really I’m thinking of it a little differently than I have in the past what does that look like in a modern household what does that look like because some people would say oh well I just come home cook the dinner and do the dishes no that’s not what we’re saying at all you know no I think that it’s more primitive than that it is the woman doing the nurturing the emotional support the also the attraction and the teasing and um just being in her own beauty yeah she’s creating radiance a reflection of light uh expression of light because that’s what femininity.

Feminity is a flow to inspire exactly to inspire heal and nurture right whereas a manipulative woman might use it to get money to get something or to get something that she wants and it’s not genuine or rational, yeah and then a man and a primitive man might be using his physical tension to dominate and or a modern man and this is a David data concept too as comes back to he’s using his physical tension to not leave what he wants not what she wants but reading into her so deeply he’s going to he can feel what she feels almost before she does because he also has some feminine development too now and he’s going to lead the relationship the direction of what grows them both.

That is why women love surrendering to a guy like that because he’s got both their best interest in order and she has his back and the more she has his back the more he wants to take care of her and the mo and he wants to uh do amazing things for her and her world and even down to she’s going to go and build her own career and he’s going to believe in her in that yes right yes and that’s so sexy.

A lot of guys get intimidated by that and that’s unfortunate because let’s say she’s building business the more you create a container for her to feel safe and come back to and surrender to that container so she can recharge for the next day to go out and get back in her masculine be 100 feminine for you that night float dance nurture then go out the door and turn on her masculine to go battle.

The world then come back you could be doing the opposite you could be out being an amazing painter that makes a fortune around you you come back and you step into your masks and that recharges you because you have a male body that’s the energetic dynamics I’m talking about yeah exactly and so so you’ve seen a lot of the guys change over the years that we’ve worked with yeah yeah like amazing transformations.

Let’s talk about why fearless gets such big changes what do you see in the fearless program that causes such a big change I’m not a big believer in that there’s such a thing as someone needs to fix themselves or someone has an issue with dating I think that’s just on the surface I think there’s a lot of knots to untie underneath and as a result, you’ll be much more successful in your dating life or wherever you are that you’re struggling and that’s how fearless is different.

Fearless just don’t approach dating as in just we’re gonna teach you tools and you’ll be a better dater yeah they go way deep they go really really sit and look and release on what has been happening what have you been doing that has caused you to be where you are right now so when you make these changes and every single guide that I’ve seen with fearless has made those changes your entire life is different not just your dating life the way you see yourself is different so for women.

We need this just as bad i know from personal experience and from hearing my girlfriends we’re so worried about not just how to get the guy but how to keep the guy and again those aren’t the core issues that are just a result because there’s something that we’re not addressing inside and fearless gets deep down and figures that out our programs are very experiential and hearing you say that is really interesting because I’m watching the way you feel emotionally in the reflection back it hits me kind of hard because the whole point is is nothing changes unless we get into the nervous system.

I can feed you all the data in the world you can take a million notes but you know after notebook that doesn’t mean you’ll change it’s called self-development have you heard that no I haven’t you start writing you have a notebook and you just put it on the shelf and it stays on the shelf so instead of self-development and that’s awesome that’s what I had originally had a ton of books I’d read and they were all on the shelf and I knew all this data and I could tell people to do changes to fix this but I could my life was no different and that’s when I started to discover that you needed experiential work deep experiential work.

I started to do this deep experiential work with my first teacher which was I was really lucky because the work I did with him was so subtle sometimes just these little things we would experiment with the littlest bit of tension or feeling or emotion and flow and stuff I’d never seen anywhere else and we do it a lot in the workshop now and what was fascinating to me was then I started to go out and do other experiential work and it was always bold and over the top, it’s like we haven’t built the foundation yet to do big stuff.

To do the big bold stuff and so what we work a lot with is the littlest this is really hard to describe on camera I got, to be honest, I’m trying to think of a way to convey it but we work with the littlest bit of calibration of your ability to feel and communicate through emotion and tension and feeling so when I look at you in the eyes can I go deeper just a little bit at a time feel you a little bit more can I open can I back up can I take you in more and feel that you know and exploring this stuff over and over and over again until this stuff starts to move from subtle because you’ll say every guy says, in the beginning.

This is really subtle too obvious and then pretty soon it’s like oh my god this is not subtle this is huge here’s the interesting part women get it so fast don’t they do yeah much faster than you guys on average because guys are built for this we’re gonna go and protect the world they’re not built to feel these subtle things sometimes which then changes how you protect the world.

But women out there what you do is you go in and you love this stuff and I see you come in you come into our workshops to help out and it’s like your eyes get big and you’re like this is fascinating this is interesting and it brings out a bunch of our issues and our insecurities and things come into light where we weren’t even aware of them before and we’re like oh that’s why I do this that’s why I’m hung up on this thing this is a tough question to ask I’ve seen it in the models can we call them models just women that work with the men they’re not necessarily professional models or anything.

I remember one girl in particular and I remember a lot of girls but this one girl said it right she said she came in and she goes when I first started working with you I had so much resentment and anger towards men she goes I saw them always unfeeling cold and she goes and then I started working with you and I saw how much emotion they really had how much they were really feeling how much they were bearing down deep inside.

It changed the whole way I looked at men and now she’s married with a baby and her life is great she worked before me for you’ve never met her but she worked for me for about four years or something like that and that’s what I want for women what experiences have you changed I experienced working with fearless as one of the models.

I used to be very much in my head and I wasn’t as aware of feeling someone’s energy or truly connecting for me connecting with just something that you do in a relationship or like you try to do on a date but working with fearless I notice that you’re connecting with not just everyone but with everything you’re you are being more in your body you’re being more present you are just feeling more and letting that feeling direct you in life.

And it’s so it’s almost like a ton of bricks just falling off your shoulders where you know we have to have everything right and we have these goals and everything needs to be a certain way and we get very disappointed if a doesn’t happen and by just surrendering and being in tune with everything with everyone trying to feel their energy and when you’re able to do that and this is what fearless does for guys it’s just a different vibration that’s it’s pretty good right on and here’s the interesting thing I remember when you started with us your sub communication has changed drastically the way you talk to me even has changed drastically you had a lot more nervous text back then if you don’t mind my sharing please no yeah absolutely it was a little nervous text.

The way you communicated the way your head would pop and little things are pulling out of the tension when you had talked to me and now you’re like in it with me and you’re holding it and you’re dancing yeah I was so in my head, yeah and that’s where I was i mean my old teacher when I first started all this work said you’re so in your head you’re not in your head you’re above your head that’s what he would say to me he said you’re trying to get out of your body.

I look back to the old videos of me oh my god one of these sometimes they’re hard to watch yeah there’s one day I’ll break them out and show them to you we are trying to connect with people we are trying to figure it out and that’s not connecting and we’re so worried about how we come across we’re so worried about what we’re saying or what the other person is thinking about us.

That’s exactly where we’re going wrong we don’t and you this is another topic and I see it with the guys a lot and I really want to bring this home to the women because I experienced this in a relationship once and it drove me nuts.

I remember it when their energy is going outward and giving you ladies connect right up and there’s a sense you can see it when we put it on camera there’s a sense that I’m enjoying you I’m appreciating you there’s something about you that’s interesting when their energy is going inward I’m starting to do it and worrying about what you think of them and getting nervous and this feeling of does she like me that also conveys and you can be the most handsome guy in the world it’s just weird yeah it doesn’t work um and when women do the same thing I had a girl.

I used to love holding my hand she would give so much sweet energy was going to just touch me to run through my body and then I felt right as eight years ago right as we were breaking up her energy would start to pull back and it would actually go and it was like she was trying to take from me I could feel the difference in the hand and it would drive me nuts and I didn’t want to hold her hand anymore and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to hold her hand I recognized that I just didn’t want her to do that energy to me you felt that yeah and I’m very sensitive to stuff now after years of doing it.

So this is what I really want to teach because as soon as I show the ladies as soon as we show the ladies because we do it together they get it so fast sometimes they feel it like we put them in front of a guy some new girl and say watch this and she’s like yeah I see it you know she didn’t know exactly what it was but she got it so fast sometimes and this can be life-changing for them.

It will be yeah so what are unique because guys have their unique challenges one of them being a little more stubborn a little bigger thicker walls they got to be ready to deal with that physical tension so they don’t let emotions shift easily what do you think are going to be the challenges that the women are going to run into that are uniquely female feminine.

Recognizing how to step into our feminine energy and like we said in the beginning not seeing that as giving away our power that’s a big one that’s a huge one I also think that there’s a big question mark or stigma with being and feeling sexy and how to deal with. We have a lot of attachment to the outcome with men the way that they respond to it we start internalizing that sometimes it causes us to clutch on and hold very very tightly and then we get surprised when they disappear or they stop communicating.

The co-dependent neediness doesn’t leave me because I’ve heard the term that you know women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are getting pursued relationships um and so that clutching could be huge and what the one you said before that was sexy which is also interesting to me because sometimes I see women obsessing over their bodies way more to the point that it’s like it’s way more than I would even like i’m looking at you and I you look great.

They’re still obsessing oh we’re much harder on ourselves than guys are yeah and the guys can understand she looks amazing but then every day she comes in and says she doesn’t pretty soon he’s like well maybe she’s right every day you tell me your ass is fat pretty soon I’m like okay your ass was bad no but if you feel sexy you feel sexy I don’t know I’m thinking of this woman you just with what we just talked about.

If you guys look her up on youtube her name’s Hattie and she’s 80 some years old lives in new york somewhere and there are a little age gap documentaries on her she loves her age gap relationships and she’s she loves guys in her 20s in their 20s and she’s in her 80s and she goes on tinder and picks up guys in their 20s all the time and she’s super excited happy and full life and these every one of these documentaries she’s like I can’t wait to meet this guy and she’s talking about the next guy she’s going to meet.

Somebody asked her why do you like taking all these young guys and she’s super-feminine and flowy and loves to dress up and does all her exercises for sex and does she’s hilarious and she goes um because the older men they’ve done it and the younger men they haven’t done it yet so they just they have this sense of I’m going to go out and conquer the world and I want to be with a guy that wants to go out and conquer the world and has that drive inside of him still.

So she works really hard even in her 80s at staying feminine staying in flow doing her exercises being an inspiration and wanting to inspire these young men to be their best and then going out and finding them and she gets them and so this talks to the part of women that think when men only want younger women yeah that that’s not at all what they’re looking for that energy.

You said her name is Hattie yeah daddy same thing, yeah she’s got it in spades I think this is good for now we’re gonna have a lot of talks about this as we move forward as we develop it out more and what I’d like to invite you to do is keep an eye on the comments on this video and respond to a lot of the men and women because a lot of these guys are probably thinking about women you could share this video with, and I think that would be awesome if you did if you shared this video with women you think that would find this interesting and if you can monitor comments and respond.

To anybody that asks you directly a question, that would be awesome, so guys put your comments in the video if you have questions for Lynn you have questions for me fearless in general or about this program as we’re developing it out that would be great I also want to know what your concerns are what do you want to know more about you might be you might have some way of something that you want to work on around dating or relationships.

As a woman, if you’re a woman watching this that we haven’t addressed yet and I want to hear what that is.