“Nice guys” aren’t really nice.
When I talk about nice guys, I’m talking about the kind of guy who usually doesn’t get the girl. (If he ever does.) The kind of guy who women say things like “You’re a really nice guy – I just don’t see you that way,” “He’s too nice,” or “You’re so nice and such a good friend – I don’t want to ruin our friendship!”
These men are hiding something in their communication with women. They’re not being real. Sometimes they are even outright lying. It’s time to get real with women and become completely authentic in your communication. That doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole – you can still do nice things for women without being a “nice guy,” but it has to come from the right place. And the differences between being authentically generous and being a “nice guy” can be very subtle.
So that’s the challenge: How can you be “nice,” or truly kind and generous rather, without being a “nice guy?”
One reason we avoid giving you specific techniques or “lines” here at FEARLESS is because we want you work on developing yourself at a deeper, more reliable, and more rewarding level than just your surface-level communication.
Women can smell it a mile away when your words – or even your body language – isn’t in alignment or congruent with how you’re feeling deep down. This is why “pickup” techniques and “pickup artist” coaching falls short for so many.
It’s not about what you do or say, it’s about how you do or say it and where you’re really coming from internally. It’s about who you’re being as a man. Your energy. Your vibe.
With that said, it’s time to talk about what it means to be “congruent.”
Being Congruent With Your Actions
Being congruent means your words and actions are in alignment with your truest motivations for doing what you’re doing and saying what you’re saying.
There’s no secret quid pro quo.
Nice guys have a hidden motive behind their behavior. They falsely believe that women are on the same page as them even when they’ve never communicated their expectations.
Expecting sex if you buy her dinner, or even expecting her time – and probably, if you’re being honest with yourself, for her to validate, flirt, and be attracted to you – if you buy her a drink at the bar. This is what’s called a “covert contract.” (A lot of nice guys also don’t have the self-awareness to even realize they are holding women to these expectations.)
This leads to resentment and anger when women either reject them or don’t live up to these unspoken expectations.
Nice guys attempt to appease or buy women’s affection in order to sexually escalate and it rarely ever works.
There’s no law in this universe that says you need to do “nice” things for women in order for them to like you, spend time with you, or even have sex with you.
I’m talking about buying gifts, paying for everything, kissing her ass with compliments every five seconds, or even just agreeing with everything she says.
It’s perfectly fine to treat the women you’re attracted to with normal behavior. Remember, attractive women are really just like everybody else. When you drop the “nice guy” act, all you have left is your authenticity.
Maybe all you want is to have sex with her. Maybe you want to be in a serious monogamous relationship. Ultimately that’s up to you, but there’s no hiding what’s motivating your actions.
If you like a woman and want to treat her to a nice dinner because that’s what you want to do, then that’s great. As long as you aren’t really doing it in hopes of her liking you or sleeping with you. If it’s congruent and honest then it doesn’t read as needy or nice guy behavior.
It’s a subtle difference, but again one that women can totally sense. It can be a conscious awareness of what’s going on or her just feeling “Something’s off,” and not feeling attracted.
This is the crux of “it’s not what you do but how you do it.”
Think of two men showing up to a date with a bouquet of flowers. One man wants to flatter the woman in hopes she will sleep with him. The other man simply saw them, thought she’d enjoy them, and is more focused on the moment than any future outcome.
Both men are acting “nice,” but which man would you like to be?
