If you don’t have a Valentine’s Day date this year, you have a great opportunity to go out and have a blast meeting women at the bar.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in February 2018.
It’s pretty popular to harbor Nickleback-type annoyance with February 14th, but as Hallmark and 1-800-Flowers’ favorite holiday has arrived, many of those same annoyed people find themselves’ feeling cynical about their status as a single person. Even if they celebrate and are proud of being single for the rest of the year.
But Valentine’s Day is a great night for singles at the bars – as long as you have the right attitude about it.
First of all, almost all the women out at bars and clubs on Valentine’s Day are going to be single, so that gives you an extra little filter for single women just by the fact that they’re there. Women with dates or exclusive boyfriends are going to be on dinner dates and then going home to make November babies. (And the few couples who do end up at bars…well, it’s gonna be especially clear on the 14th who’s taken, and who’s not. They’re gonna be in romance mode, and it doesn’t take an expert to pick up on that from across the room.)
Be Authentic, Be Confident, Be Direct
A lot of the women out at the bars won’t be overjoyed that they don’t have a boyfriend or date to share the evening with, so they’re likely to be extra receptive to the charming, FEARLESS Man you are. It’s a great night to practice your sexual tension skills (click here for a video on what tension with a woman – good and bad – looks like) and being direct right off the bat.
Being direct and bringing the sexual tension right away can do wonders! Most men are afraid to do that, so you’ll stand out for that reason by itself. And it calls out exactly why you’re talking to her so you’re not pussy-footing around your attraction for her.
Your friend-zone problems? No more-If she IS totally unavailable or absolutely not interested, being direct will get her to tell you that right away so your time isn’t wasted, and neither is hers. And it’s just very authentic, sets a sexual or flirty tone for your interaction, and comes off extremely confident with practice.
How do you start building sexual tension with women?
Eye Contact Can Be More Powerful Than Words
You’ve probably heard the old saying, “the eyes are the window to the soul.” That’s why (FEARLESS Founder) Brian Begin calls the model work we do with clients in our Intensives “Soul Gazing.” Holding eye contact with another person can be more intimate than sex.
So eye contact is very important when connecting with a woman you’re attracted to. Don’t shy away from it or break eye contact too quickly. Hold eye contact with her and let her see and feel your attraction for her. Confident men aren’t afraid of eye contact…especially with a beautiful woman.
And how you look at her and hold eye contact can often make the difference in the entire vibe of your interaction with her between a friendly, platonic one (not making or holding a lot of eye contact) and one that’s very flirty or sexual when you make and hold more eye contact.
Then, when you open your mouth…
Be Specific, and then SLOW DOWN to let the Sexual Tension Simmer
When you approach her and give her the context of why you’re there, try to be specific with your compliments and telling her what you like about her.
Rather than just “You’re gorgeous,” tell her what genuinely draws you to her. A few examples:
- “Your curves make that dress just look killer.”
- ”That dress looks really sexy on you – I love (insert something specific about the dress).”
- ”The way (something genuine and specific about her smile) when you smile is so cute.”
- ”Your eyes are killers – I love the little streaks of orange in them.”
Especially that last example shows you’re paying attention to her more than most men ever will.
When giving the compliment, you should clearly feel your turn-on for her – or at least your attraction to her – in your body. This will make your delivery much, much more powerful, confident, and sexy. That’s part of what “getting out of your head” actually means. Being present with yourself and with her as you say it. Truly feeling it.
That will cause shifts in your body language, your face and micro-expressions, how you look at and into her, what words you actually end up using, and your tone of voice.
Speaking of tone of voice, don’t rush through compliments. Take time to take her in like a cool glass of water, and take time to deliver your words with intention and build chemistry. And really look deeply into her eyes.
You don’t have to give compliments or state your attraction as the first thing you say to her, but in general, the earlier on, the better.
If you do want to break the ice in a less tension-filled way, things like a light-hearted “Happy Anti-Valentines Day!” can be a great way to start conversations and own the elephant in the room.
Throughout, as you’re giving compliments or telling her you like her, hold eye contact and let it breathe.
“Your curves…….make that dress..Just. Look. Killer.” Then shut up for a few seconds, keep holding eye contact, and keep feeling your attraction to her.
This kind of delivery amps up the sexual tension big-time and makes you come off as much more confident than if you rush through the compliment to get it over with and don’t hold eye contact. And it’s all that much more powerful on Valentine’s Day when maybe she hasn’t been flirted with at all yet – certainly not by a confidently bold man like yourself – and she’s likely got cinematic romance and sex fantasies right in the forefront of her mind.
Shamelessness will set you free…and let her get freaky!
Try not to seek approval in the way you talk to her. Don’t come from a timid state of mind that ultimately comes off in your tone of voice as “Do you like me?? Is what I’m saying ok?”
Come from a place of unapologetic self-confidence that says “I like you” without your tone of voice asking her if that’s ok.
Speaking of being unapologetic, the more shameless you are about flirting, being sexual with her, and sharing about sex, the more attractive you’ll be and more sexual she’s likely to be. We’re all sexual beings and sex is a normal, beautiful thing. The more you’re comfortable and relaxed about being sexual, the more women will be. If you’re nervous and ashamed or apologetic about sex, women are likely to be uncomfortable too. As Brian says, if you’re weird about it, they’ll be weird about it. If you’re normal, they’ll be normal.
Of course, always be respectful and respect women’s boundaries. If a woman tells you that something makes her uncomfortable, listen and respect that. If she asks you to leave her alone, let it go and respectfully move on.
Along the same lines, don’t put women in boxes or feel judged for being sexual or having fantasies. This is always an important rule, but the last thing a single woman wants to feel on Valentine’s Day is like she’s being judged for her sexual behavior.
Forget Trying So Hard – Make Boring Conversation Sexy
After you’ve made it clear that you’re attracted to her, you can have normal conversation much like you would with anyone else you’re meeting.
No, you don’t need a bunch of amazing, clever things to say or talk about with her! If those things happen organically, then great. But standard, getting-to-know-you conversation works just fine…when you continue to come from a place of feeling flirty, turned-on, and genuinely interested in her (sexually and as a person).
The more you really feel this way, the more the “same old” questions, answers, and conversation topics take on a whole new, sexy vibe.
Be a great listener. Really pay close attention to her to 1) pick up on subtleties and ask her questions other guys would never even think of and 2) get connected with her emotions – not just the words she’s saying. This also makes you seem more confident and less self-absorbed because you’re focused on her – not your nervousness or insecurities.
Picking up on women’s non-verbal signals is a very important part of knowing when she’s into you and when to move things forward, as well as when to back off. If you feel clueless about picking up on when women like you, check out Brian and Yazz’ video breakdown of women’s subtle signals of attraction: 5 Ways to Tell if a Girl Likes You
Make it about more than “Picking Up Girls”
As always, you want to have fun first. Whether that’s bringing a friend with you or going to a bar or club with music you really love, you should be enjoying yourself regardless of the women. Some of our clients like to watch standup comedy or listen to music that puts them in a great mood before they even leave home. The better the mood you’re in and the more fun you’re having before you meet any women, the more attractive you become.
Just try to avoid psyching yourself up too much like you’re going into some battle, aka “State Pumping.” Feel and enjoy whatever you do to get ready to go out. But remember that you’re going to connect with women, and that requires some internal calm and lots of emotional access…you’re not pumping yourself up to jump into the Octagon.
This is a lot…and I could write so much more. Read this a couple of times, but don’t get caught up in remembering it all when you go out on the 14th. These are some of the ideals, but you can often form great connections with women even when you’re not doing a lot of these things.
Have fun, be sexual while always respecting women’s boundaries, and remember it’s all a learning experience. Enjoy practicing something a lot of men won’t ever get honest with themselves on and really work through.
And if you don’t go out a lot and the thought of doing any of this makes you totally overwhelmed, check out Social Confidence Building Exercises (part 1) | Inside FEARLESS #7 and start there when you get to the bar. Even if you’re somewhat accustomed to talking to women at bars, these exercises can be powerful to get your night on a roll.
Final Thought
A woman doesn’t go to the bar thinking “I hope no charming, confident guy sweeps me off my feet tonight!” Whether it’s just a simple, genuine compliment, a connection for a night, or the beginning of a relationship, go out and make a woman’s Valentine’s Day!
