If you’re looking for how to stop the Nice Guy Syndrome, read on. We’ll show you how to recognize the signs, and how to deal with them.
Transcipt:
Did you know nice guys finish last? I bet you did. And I want to talk about that today, and why nice guys finish last.
I was a consummate nice guy. I was – I was the quintessential nice guy, and I got nowhere in life. And where my life started to really change with this, was when I read Glover’s book – Robert Glover’s book, “No More Mr Nice Guy.” And I started to see how – and I highly recommend it by the way. I started to see in the ways I was holding my life back, by being too damn nice.
Now when I say be a nice guy, I don’t mean be an asshole or be a dick. I mean be real. It’s time to stop being overly nice, trying to please everybody and start to be real and ask yourself, “What do I want?” And that’s the beginning of building true confidence. Now we’re going to talk about that a little bit here today.
So I have a question for you – are you a great listener, but your girlfriend or the girl you’re dating always says, “You never listen.” But you can repeat back everything she says. Well that’s probably ’cause in your head, you’re worrying about everything she’s going to say. That’s the nice guy.
Do you love to help everybody out, even though it puts you out? Might you spend a whole weekend helping some girl move, or somebody move? And you really didn’t want to. You had a bunch of stuff planned – but you gave it all up to help that person, because you felt too guilty to say, “No.”
Do you try and constantly please your girlfriend, but feel unfulfilled and unappreciated? Like she’s always still mad at you, and she’s never happy with what you do. Have you been described as one of the nicest guys you could ever meet, and that someday this girl – some girl’s going to be perfect for you? But just not the girl you’re talking to.
Do you ever have – you ever sit there with girls, and they tell you about their dates and their relationships and the guys they’re having sex with – and all the problems and the dramas they’re having? But it’s never you. “Oh my God, I just don’t see you that way, you’re so nice.” And do you have trouble making your needs a priority?
So the one thing that nice guys have, that’s really a problem for them – is fear of tension, fear of conflict, fear of stepping into tension. The tension of the situation. They’re always trying to smooth it over, and take tension out of the conversation. And for there to be any change in life, and I’m going to do a whole video on this – about the power of tension.
But for there to be any change – whether you change your job, build a career. Win that girl over, turn that girl on – you have to step into and learn to love tension. You have to learn to play in it, and you have to learn to let it flow through. You can’t be like pushing it back or being dominant with it. And in that, you start to change who you are. This is a very powerful, powerful concept that needs a deeper look at. But we’re going to start with the basics right here.
So nice guys tend to– Nice guys tend to never get the girl. Or if they do get a relationship, the relationship sucks. Because the girl tends to see them as a diamond in the rough, and she’s going to fix him. But the more she fixes you, the less she’s attracted. Matter of fact, the more you try to please her, the less she’s attracted.
Why? And so why is this? This is a very powerful but simple concept. It’s because of that tension thing I just talked about. If you’re always trying to make her happy, “What restaurant do you want? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do tonight?” And you have no awareness of what you want, or you’re never making a decision for yourself – you’re saying, “No, you know what? I really want to go to this restaurant tonight.” Or, “No.”
Setting boundaries. You don’t have lines in the sand that you draw that says, don’t– This is my line, don’t do it – and you actually follow through. Then how’s this girl every supposed to respect you? How’s she ever supposed to get to know you? How’s she every supposed to figure out who you are? Does a girl want to date somebody–?
Or let’s put it – let’s switch that role. Would you want to date a girl that was constantly trying to please you? I mean, it sounds good in the moment – but if she’s like, “What do you want? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?” And she never has any opinion of her own – all her opinions are based on what you like. “Yeah, I like that too, let’s go do that.” Pretty soon, that starts to feel clingy. It feels needy.
Or, the other side – she starts to get stressed out, because she can’t make you happy. And she starts to pull away and get really distant all the time. And then you can’t feel her connecting.
Now in that is – is complete manipulation. Because what the nice guy’s actually doing, is he’s basing all his decisions on what the other person wants. And when he can make that other person happy, he feels happy. But that other person never gets to know you. Never gets to know who you are as a person. Never gets to relate to you. All that other person gets is manipulated. And the moment – he’s trying to–
In other words, the nice guy’s trying to manipulate that other person into liking them. Tell me who to be for you. And if you do, I’ll be that person so you’ll like me. And then I can feel good about myself. And I can’t think of anything worse. That’s who I used to be, and I never want to go back to being that person.
So if you want to stop being this person, it’s time to make a change. It’s time to really start to look at that part of your life. Because that guy always has a hard time getting a girl. He has a hard time moving up in management in his job. He has a hard time building confidence, because he’s avoiding the very thing in life that is the most important thing for building confidence and getting results – tension.
You can’t have anything without tension. You need tension to– On a seed, you need to put dirt on top of a seed to grow a tree. You need tension in the womb for a baby to grow. Tension is everywhere in life. And you don’t grow until you experience some form of tension.
So what I want to is, we’re going to be doing a talk this Sunday on the nice guy syndrome. We’re going to be talking a lot about how to break it, what it is, what it looks like, answering all your questions, going deeper into this. Because it’s probably the number 1 thing that I see in almost every guy that comes in to one of our training’s or our workshops.
And if you’d like to learn more about this, or if you can’t be there and you’d like to just to just put some questions down in the comments section. And let us know what you want to know, what more topics you want to know about
And it’s going to be a lot of fun, and an interesting talk. And there’s going to be lots of valuable information. ‘Cause instead of a few minute video, I’m going to have several hours – 2, maybe a little bit more hours to really share with you. And I’ll be hanging out afterwards to talk to each and every person that wants to talk more about this, and what’s going on with them.
I love every one of you guys. I love having this channel, so I can’t wait to meet any of you that want to come out. And for those of you that do, I’ll see you on Sunday. Otherwise, go ahead and put comments in the comments section – and I’ll talk to you later. Take care guys – bye.
