I spotted her the moment I walked into the old Piano Bar in Hollywood (RIP).
It was Valentine’s Day. I was out doing homework for an advanced program with a couple other FEARLESS guys.
And there this sexy as hell girl sat at a high top table with her friend. It was dark, but her long, black, curly hair, sharp features, and glowing dark skin had me in an instant.
I HAD to talk to her.
Connecting with a woman who I was highly attracted to, who I didn’t know or have an easy excuse to talk to, out in public…it was something I just hadn’t been able to do.
Hold up, check that. It was something I chose to avoid. For way too long.
I’d gotten a nice little dating life rolling that I was feeling better than ever about thanks to getting serious about my personal development, not listening to some who told me things like “You don’t need that!” or “That’ll never work!” and eventually finding Brian and Dave, who really helped me step into (among many other things) my authentic masculinity and being direct.
But my new dating life was relying almost entirely on Tinder and other apps.
Once in a great while, I’d meet someone through friends or the perfect social situation or moment, or maybe I was feeling really “on” one night.
But walking up to someone out of the blue – or even after making a lot of eye contact?
Doubtful.
I avoided it because it scared me so much and I allowed most rejections to eat at my self-esteem.
And I HATED the initial awkwardness of it all. Ugh. Count me out.
I couldn’t hide behind a screen and take time to think of what I wanted to say. I couldn’t rely on common friends as proof that I was cool so I could let myself relax in front of her.
Unless it was on a loud, dark dance floor where I didn’t have to talk nearly as much. And even then, I wouldn’t fully go for it – if go for it at all – if a girl wasn’t instantly all over me.
And all of this created a loop of more anxiety and avoidance.
At this point, I was fully confident I could keep meeting cool girls online, have good relationships, and eventually find “the one.”
But I also knew I wanted the confidence and social freedom to be able to be my authentic self with women everywhere. To be able to give myself a real shot regardless of where I saw her.
And the overall confidence I would’ve created in myself to BE ABLE to do that – how I’d have to feel about myself and feel socially to be able to do that… That’s a big sense of freedom and empowerment.
I wanted to be that guy who had that level of self-confidence. So I didn’t give up. Even as a big part of me fought and kicked and constantly resisted facing it.
So as this pretty young thing at Piano Bar caught my eye and spontaneously made me say “Damn” under my breath, I knew I couldn’t let this one slide by.
She and her friend were clearly having an intense conversation, and I knew it’d be a bad time to interrupt.
So I posted up against a railing by the piano to relax, get grounded and open…and try to, you know, actually enjoy myself so it wasn’t just about one girl who didn’t even know I existed yet.
A couple minutes later, I turned to see where they were at in their conversation and if it might be a better moment to introduce myself.
And her friend was gone.
Oh fuck. Now I really needed to make a move.
To at least say hello before her friend came back and they got embroiled in whatever intense thing they’d been talking about again. Hell, maybe she was getting ready to leave. She could be gone at any moment.
So I took a few seconds to ground myself and get out of my head, feeling my feet against my socks and my shoes, and the way the floor felt under my feet.
Even more importantly, I took her in from across the room, allowing myself to get turned on by her – to really, really feel it. To enjoy her and just enjoy how that all felt in my body.
Then, from that space, I walked over.
…And it was game over from the first thing I said.
It was like a fucking movie.
What was this magically romantic thing I said to her that set off Valentine’s Day fireworks?
“Hello.”
I was still a little nervous, but because of how in touch with my turn-on I was, how I said it changed and said everything. How I looked into her eyes changed and said everything.
I followed that up with some compliment about (I think) how sexy she was, but “Hello” is all I clearly remember, because the way it hit her and her reaction at that moment formed an instant connection between us and told me she was instantly feeling me.
Hell, it might’ve been over before I even finished that first word.
Because the sub-communication is where the connection happened. Not some pickup artist technique, trying to model “confident body language,” or trying to model the “right” tone of voice. Genuinely feeling it, looking her in the eyes, and not hiding how I felt did it.
After that, things were almost effortless. How it should be.
We didn’t talk about anything that special. Normal shit. Shit dating “experts” and pickup artists tell you to avoid like the plague. But because of that initial connection and staying in those feelings as we talked, we were having a whole other conversation underneath the surface and through our eyes.
I pushed my comfort zone a little on making physical contact with her as we sat there (while of course, staying in tune with her comfort level with me), but other than that, effortless.
We were kissing within minutes. It was just natural by that point. That’s how strong the connection was.
And that was in spite of me, again, still feeling nervous and hesitating a little here and there with her.
Her friend came back at some point. I don’t remember whether it was before or after that first kiss, but with a little of me being open to and engaging her friend in a genuine way, and her friend seeing how strong the connection was, it was smooth sailing.
We were in a bubble.
I had picked out the girl in the room who I wanted to talk to – one that stopped me in my tracks – walked up without her even knowing I existed, and hit it off with her, quite literally, in the blink of an eye.
On Valentine’s Day.
Me. The disabled guy who went to junior prom with a guy-friend, and senior prom with a girl who friends set me up with and who I paid for almost everything for…only to be abandoned by her the moment we got to the venue. The guy who was constantly, torturously on the sideline in college, and – until the very end of my time in Oregon, two years after college – barely connected with anyone I was truly attracted to.
The guy who mostly settled on Tinder for years in abundantly good-looking LA.
And I hadn’t even had a drink before I started talking to her. Because we weren’t allowed to. Brian and Dave and the rest of the coaches want us to build confidence and connection skills that don’t rely on liquid courage.
Fuck. YES!
Eventually, we said our goodbyes and she went home with her friend.
I watched her leave, and then took in the moment. That felt so, SO fucking good.
I texted her on her way home and immediately told her I wanted to see her the next day. No playing games or playing it aloof bullshit. I really liked her and wasn’t fucking around.
We dated for a little bit, I introduced her to friends, and she pretty quickly admitted to me that she’d told family that I might just be “the one.” That was incredible for me to hear from this little stunner. She was awesome and our connection was the strongest I’d ever had.
Sadly, it didn’t last very long because I was totally down for a relationship with her, but I was also committed to having some form of poly relationship. (Exactly what that looked like, I was very flexible for.) She was from a religious background and couldn’t get on board, even after I got her a book about love in open/poly relationships. I know some will read “love in poly relationships” and shake their heads, but that is a thing, believe it or not.
That incompatibility between us was hard on both of us.
Here I finally had this absolutely beautiful girl who was crazy about me, who would make a great, supportive girlfriend, who also challenged me and demanded the best out of me in our short time seeing each other, who I really, really liked.
But I also knew what I wanted out of a relationship, I knew that if I completely acquiesced to everything she wanted that I would be settling to a degree and coming from a place of scarcity. It wouldn’t be truly authentic towards her or myself, and I was sticking to my guns. There are far, far more than enough people out there for both of us – abundance mentality, not scarcity.
That steadfastness – and not crumbling to my past – was a hard but powerful moment for me.
So really, this woman gave me more than one of my proudest moments (so far) as a man, and a number of great experiences in between.
Yes, it’s still a numbers game. It takes two to tango, you’re not going to connect with everyone who catches your eye (nor should you), and there were plenty of rejections before and after that…even when I was in a pretty good place emotionally, really feeling it. Without the practice facing my shit, facing my fears and insecurities, and practice coming from a place of authenticity, being direct, and really feeling it, I never would’ve increased my ability to connect like that, met this awesome girl and grown as a man and a human like that.
If I’d gone up to her at all before FEARLESS (unlikely), I would’ve been coming from a much more shy, apologetic/”don’t hurt me!”, emotionally shutdown place.
If I’m honest with you, striking up conversations from nowhere (without a convenient excuse to talk to them or common connection I can build off of) and connecting so well is not something I’m consistently great at yet, and it’s still something I shy away from more often than I’d like. It’s a work in progress.
But because of the deep and multiple levels FEARLESS works on you with, I showed myself I can meet awesome women outside of just online dating, my social circle, or the perfect situation, timing, or the woman making the first move. I showed myself that beautiful, really cool women can be crazy about me. And I showed myself that I can stick to my boundaries in what I’m looking for out of dating and relationships.
And the more I do the work I’ve been taught and take risks, the more abundant those successes and connections are becoming.
Brian teaches the basics of all this stuff for two days at The Fearless Man Live Seminar. We even throw in an evening of in-field coaching, which most seminars don’t do for the general admission price. So stop hesitating on moving towards being the man you want to be, and check out the event now.
And if you’re really serious, like I was, about jumping into intensive, incredibly customized, all hands-on coaching and work on yourself in a small group setting…that then leads into a free, private, supportive community for the rest of your life, check out The Experience Intensive on our events page and then give us a call to talk about it.
It’s completely changed my life and my trajectory as a man.
Connect with me on twitter and Instagram @mikekonowitz
Related:
Before “Hello:” How to Make a Good First Impression When Meeting Someone New
How to Give Women Compliments
The 8 Qualities Of A Confident and Masculine Man: Turn-On
5 Steps To Develop and Become a Grounded Man
Is Personal Development a Scam? A Disabled Person’s Story
