On Halloween last year, a really cute girl kissed me – a real kiss…a mini makeout – faster than ever before with someone who actually made my heart rate quicken when I looked at her.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in November 2018
There’s instantly a lot of shame and fear coming up for me even starting to write this.
“Should I even share these experiences? What’s gonna happen when women I really like – maybe even my potential future wife – googles me and finds this stuff?”
“What about future potential employers or business connections?” (For example, I do sports broadcasting on the side and that’s an important part of my life.)
What will people think? That’s the basic fear running through my head right now.
But this is important.
Everybody wants to connect with people they’re attracted to.
And I can’t speak for women, but for men, the lack of ability to do that – much less ever have little moments like the one in this story – is a great point of pain, suffering, and feeling hopeless.
Feeling worthless.
I even think that this struggle – and struggles to connect socially in general – have been a piece of the picture in the American epidemic of mass shootings – especially the school shootings. I’ll probably write more on that in the future.
And now, though I still have plenty to work on in terms of my confidence and emotional connection skills, my whole life is different, and every little experience like this – along with, very importantly, loving and myself and feeling good WITHOUT validation from women – is dream life material for the younger version of myself who felt like he just didn’t have that part of the brain.
So those are the reasons I share this story. (Oh yeah, and the fact that I work for a company called FEARLESS, so yeah, those fears I have about this very post need to be faced.)
Because effortlessly connecting with women doesn’t have to be something you’re born with or you’re not.
It can actually be really simple and easy if you work on yourself. It can become you just having fun.
That’s what it was for me at The Abbey in West Hollywood.
I’d met up with a buddy to check out the crazy WeHo Halloween scene on Santa Monica Boulevard for the first time since I moved to LA in 2012. And we ended up at the infamous gay bar.
As I walked around the crazy scene in my sleeveless doctor’s costume (easily role-played costumes for the win, by the way), I locked eyes with a cute blonde woman with her friend.
She knew the look I was giving her – I wasn’t going to shy away from my attraction – and I knew the look she was giving me. I walked over.
She stuck her hand out and gave me her name.
“It looks like you girls need a doctor,” I said with a twinkle in my eye.
She grabbed my stethoscope and put it on her chest.
I feigned listening to her heart.
“Yup. Running hot!” I bantered.
“Running hot, huh?”
And she started to move in for the kiss.
It was that simple. That effortless.
Part of it is certainly a numbers game. Putting yourself in situations – whether it be nights out, meeting people in other social situations or events, meeting people as you go throughout your day, or even in online dating. If you don’t put yourself in situations where you can meet people, you’re gonna have trouble doing that.
But I actually hadn’t been going out much lately or even doing the online dating thing because I’ve been much more focused on my time management and productivity struggles (the biggest Achilles heels throughout my life) lately than dating.
So I was feeling a little rusty in terms of breaking the ice with sexy strangers.
But as I walked around that night – at the street festival before we got to the bar, and after we walked in – I took in all the good-looking women around me, enjoyed that, let myself get turned on, and checked in with my body whenever I realized I was in my head thinking too much, not being present, and not connected to the feelings in my body.
Women don’t tend to be drawn to men who are all up in their heads, not deeply in touch with FEELING…their own, or the woman’s. Or guys who are hiding or ashamed of their turn-on.
When you are hiding your attraction, tip-towing around it, or apologetic about it, you often come off as inauthentic, dry, insecure…or even creepy.
Because you’re not being true to what’s going on inside you or your intentions. You may not even be aware of what you’re really feeling and want to say because of how in your head you are, or how afraid you are (at the surface or deep down) of rejection and the like.
That translates to the vibe women get from you.
That absolutely does not mean you should harass women who aren’t responding to you or aren’t interested – that’s time to move on. It just means being authentic. Not hiding your feelings or intentions. From the moment you make eye contact with her.
Feeling that turn-on and owning it.
For me, that’s often automatic now thanks to the work I’ve done as a student at FEARLESS. But when it’s not for whatever reason (nerves, a weird headspace I’m in, etc), it can be as simple as asking myself how looking at a woman I’m interested in makes me feel inside. How it makes my whole pelvic area feel (the third chakra if that works for your mind). Really enjoying that.
And doing my best to come from a place of heart, too, so she feels a real human being with emotions beyond ONLY sexual turn-on.
When you do that, how you look into her eyes and hold eye contact changes. Your tone of voice changes. Everything about your interaction and connection with her changes. Regardless of the content of your conversation.
It allows my natural, devilish charm, for lack of a better term, to come out.
It allowed us to start vibing from the moment we locked eyes.
Her decision was probably mostly made in that moment of eye contact.
From there, a few seconds of role-playing with innuendoes, and bam, a really nice little Halloween moment for both of us.
It can be that simple when you allow yourself to get turned on by women, appreciate them just for being, let them see that, and go talk to them.
That’s all I did. And you can do it, too.
Start really enjoying the beautiful, sexy women around you and letting them see that.
Even if you get a little embarrassed. Sometimes embarrassment can even make you more attractive when you own that and show up with her – hold or reestablish eye contact, don’t apologize for your turn-on or your embarrassment, and of course talk to her – anyway. It makes you human.
Be human. Be real. With women, yourself, and your attraction and turn-on.
If I can do it with a fairly obvious physical disability, so can you.
Related:
Before “Hello:” How to Make a Good First Impression When Meeting Someone New
The 8 Qualities Of A Confident and Masculine Man: Turn-On
Is Personal Development a Scam? A Disabled Person’s Story
