What is “nice guy syndrome?”
It’s the concept of being nice to a fault. Nice to the point that you will give up on your own wants and needs. Doing and saying things that aren’t what you want or aren’t true for you.
A lot of men write to me confused about this concept because in their hearts they do want to be good to women and they want women to feel good in their presence.
That’s a good thing! The problem is the way they’re going about it.
I talk a lot about the difference between being nice and being real.
Nice guys like to say that they’re only happy when the woman is happy or that “all they want” is for her to be happy. This is complete crap. This attitude automatically creates an unhealthy, codependent, clingy energy because now your happiness is dependent on hers.
You’re actually abdicating the responsibility for your own life and putting it onto her.
Now she’s responsible for her happiness and yours?
Can you see why women aren’t turned on by nice guys?
Then there’s another group of men who understand that nice guy behavior’s not going to get them the results they want, so they immediately do a 180 and go into asshole behavior that’s just plain mean and manipulative. This often isn’t at all effective either (and if it is, it doesn’t result in connecting with high quality, confident women or truly fulfilling relationships), and we never advocate abusive behavior in any way.
What we want at FEARLESS is to help you develop the ability to stand for your own wants and needs first.
Why do airplane safety instructions always tell you to “put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others”? If you try to help the person (a young child, for example) next to you put on their oxygen mask before you put on your own and you pass out, then you both die.
I call it being “healthy selfish.”
This is what ultimately creates respect and better relationships – not just with women but with all people.
Nice guys have trouble saying no. They avoid stepping into the tension and anxiety that comes up when you have a confrontation with another person. Especially someone they see as powerful. I’m not talking about just huge confrontations like street fights or even big arguments, but that’s often how your nervous system and emotions process it. I’m simply referring to any time you have a different agenda or opinion than someone else, and you need to figure out which way to go.
If a friend asks you to help them to move this weekend when you promised yourself to spend a weekend alone, how do you respond? A nice guy would probably say, “Yeah, you know what, I was just going to be at home this weekend anyway. What time do you need me?”
A man who’s being real would say something like, “I promised myself I’d spend this weekend alone so I’m going to say ‘no,’” or even just, “I’ve got plans already.” You never HAVE to explain yourself to anyone.
This honors your own boundaries and needs first. It demonstrates a high level of self-respect and forces others to respect it back. And anyone who can’t respect your personal boundaries isn’t someone you want in your life anyway.
This is equally true with women. A lot of men will cave on their boundaries when in the presence of a hot woman. But – consciously or subconsciously – women are testing men on this all the time. They’re curious to find out if you’re real or if it’s just an act you’re putting on to sleep with her. Caving on your boundaries like this will also lead you into situations where women take advantage of your “kindness.”
And eventually they get bored with your wish-washy behavior or you get fed up with them walking all over you and the relationship ends. (If a sexual relationship ever actually started in the first place and you weren’t just in the Friend Zone the whole time.)
If you focus on yourself and your own desires first, then you’ll communicate from a place of authenticity. This will allow women to actually trust you more and see you as a valuable and attractive man.
