What makes you attractive to women? A lot of men’s dating advice experts & coaches preach things like confident body language, how to sound more confident through vocal tonality, good eye contact, and conversational tactics, but they’re missing very important subtleties that make all the difference for those who need more than a few tips.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in November 2016.
In this video, Brian addresses the things that make you appear confident and attractive to women that much advice in the psychology, dating advice, and coaching realms pushes…but from a deeper perspective that so many miss and are lead astray by.
Body language, vocal tonality, and eye contact that display confidence can be very important and helpful in helping you attract women, but if you don’t truly address how you feel deep down-your self-esteem and confidence both generally and in every moment, and your connectedness to and consciousness of your body-those surface level displays of confidence will only get you so far…if you don’t just end up looking like a social robot, as many men who keep trying and failing to succeed with women by studying “Pickup Artists” do.
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Video Transcript:
So in this video, I want to talk about what really makes you attractive to women. And I’m going to give you a hint – it’s not your looks.
93% of communication is non-verbal. That means only 7% of your communication is verbal. This means that the way you appear to another person can change drastically when you affect the other 93%. Some people look at the statistics like I used to years ago. And we think, “That can’t be possible. 93%?” And I promise you, as I’ve learned more and more, it is.
I spent 4 years with one teacher, a great teacher. Who showed me, through a lot of high-def video review of me and other students in the room – how much your sub-communication is affecting everybody in the room. The way you appear when they’re looking at you, even when you’re sitting still. It’s pretty insane how powerful your sub-communication is. We have micro-expressions going off all the time. And those micro-expressions tell everybody else exactly how we feel about ourselves, even when we’re not saying anything.
The key to getting in control of these micro-expressions, and getting in control of your presence and the way you feel to others – has nothing to do with faking the movements of a natural, which is what most people do. If you fake the movements of a natural, and you don’t take care of what’s going on inside, underneath – how you feel about yourself, then guess what happens? You look like what we call a “social robot” or a “dancing monkey”. You look weird to other people. You look what they call incongruent.
If you really want to change this area of your life, then you have to go deeper. You have to go inside and change, literally – the way you feel about yourself. And then let that express outward through your body, not through your head. Remember, we always talk about getting out of your head here, getting down into your body. Move your body, feel your body, that’s the first step. Then changing the way you feel about yourself in your body. And that’s the key.
Now, I could stand like a confident man. Shoulders back, chest up, hands at my side – yeah, I got the shit together. But what am I doing right now? I’m completely walling off. Here, “Hey, how you doing?” Or I look down my nose at you. I’m completely walling off to people around me. But I don’t want to slouch and be all insecure too – because if I’m like this, then that’s bad too. It’s not really as much about how you stand but how you feel while you stand.
So I could cross my arms and feel really pulled back, really tight – and be really shut off to somebody else. Almost angry. Or I could cross my arms and feel really insecure, and nervous, and pulled inward. And I’m going into that feeling. Or I could cross my arms and just relax and enjoy it. Enjoy the feeling of my own arms and my body, and look at the girl – or whoever I’m looking at, with that confidence. And it will all change the way I feel in my body when I do that.
So how you move your body and how your feel in it is the key. Start going out and moving your body a lot, and learning to enjoy doing it. More than the exercise, more than getting fit – can you enjoy the movement of your body? This is what sports teaches us. Why do you think the athlete always gets the girl? ‘Cause the athlete enjoys his body more. And what is sex, but the enjoyment of 2 bodies together? Wouldn’t you think that somebody who enjoys their body, likes being in their body, likes moving from their body – is going to be more attractive to somebody else who wants to bring 2 bodies together, which is what sex is?
So start getting into your body, start learning to enjoy it, start learning to talk from it, express from it, feel it. More than think about it, feel it while you move it. This is the purpose of stuff like yoga, but you can also learn this from more masculine sports like Brazilian Jujitsu, stuff like that. Start getting down in there. In our workshops, we do a lot of work with teaching you to get into your body, to be able to relate and connect through the nervous system of the body, which is where the emotions are felt. So that when I feel turned on, she feels turned on. When I feel confident, she feels my confidence – versus me thinking about it.
Number 2 is your voice tone. Your voice tone is huge. I used to fuck this up all the time. I had such an insecure voice tone, and in reality it’s an easy fix once you get it. And it amazes me how hard it is for people to get this, but once they get it it’s so easy. The voice needs to go down more than it goes up – that’s the mechanical way to do it. But you’ve got to feel that inside. So the mechanical way is, “That wall is white.” Or I could say, “That wall is white” – that’s the insecure way. “How are you doing? What’s your name? Where are you from? Oh, I just wanted to say hi.” That’s the insecure way.
The confident way is, “How are you doing? Where are you from? What’s your name?” And that’s more confident. You notice the voice tone goes down at the end. Now, if I force that, well that’s one way to do it. But if I feel that and I enjoy it, “I like you”, and I start dropping down and feeling it. Or, “You’re interesting.” Or, “I want to get to know you better.” And I start really dropping down at the core of my body, and feeling my body relax – that changes the whole feeling in the way I come across. If I’m feeling like that all the time, even when I’m sitting – that relaxed down in my body – I look different to other people. More confident, more solid.
Now, let’s take a look at these awesome photos. You’re going to love them. Now, these are photos of me before I started this journey. And if I don’t look different to you – well, then you need your eyes checked. I look very different, and that’s probably an understatement. I was very insecure; I was very shy. I lived primarily in my head like I always talk about. And I didn’t have a strong relationship to my body. There was a lot of nervousness and fear running inside of me.
But the one thing – even if you can’t see everything that I’m talking about yet, because maybe you’re not trained in sub-communication. Is if you just look at the overall feeling of how I feel standing there, compared to how I feel now – it’s obviously very different. And that comes from years of learning to connect to my body and change the way I feel. And it literally changes the way you look to other people. I would love to hear you guys in the comments section, talk about the difference in what you see. Do you see a difference in the way I feel here? Do you feel a difference, is really the better way to say it. Do I feel different to you? Because when I look at those photos, I personally actually cringe.
So the next one I want to go into is eye contact. And eye contact is huge. Eye contact can be super intimate, can be super connecting. It’s a place that women really go to to decide if they like a man fast. And it’s not just about holding eye contact. I can sit there and hold eye contact with a woman and scare the shit out of her, or get her to like me – either or. Or I can just pull the eye contact away and show insecurity really fast.
Now, what’s the difference between the guy who holds eye contact with a woman and she likes it and the guy who holds eye contact and is creepy, or weird, or even threatening? The mean difference is how you feel in your body. I kind of alluded to it earlier. Are you feeling down into the core of your body and feeling turned on? Feeling a sense of warmth and peace? Or even a real sense of – let’s say you’re sad that day, but you don’t apologize for it. You feel sad and you look at her and you smile in your sadness. In a sense, you’re enjoying your own sadness like you would a sad movie. “Yeah, it’s an interesting movie. I’m learning something.” In that, she can relate to you.
But now let’s say I look at her through my eye contact, and I’m feeling walled off. Let’s say I’m feeling sad, but I’m trying to wall it off. I’m trying to hold it back. I don’t want her to see that. “Hey, I got it. How you doing?” And I’m staring at her now. Now I’m shutting off my emotion, and giving her a fake persona – and she can’t trust you. What if I’m feeling angry inside, but then I pull the anger back and I don’t want her to feel it, and I, “Hey, how you doing?” Get cocky. Again, she can’t trust you, it feels weird.
Or let’s say I’m really trying to get her to feel me. I’m trying to make something happen, and I’m looking at her and staring really hard. Again, that can be scary. Because now I’m no longer enjoying myself, it’s all about her. And I’m completely focused on her, and I’m losing this sense of – yeah – solidness within myself. And I’m making it all about her. You see, when you first get into your own body, enjoy your own body, and then you connect through the eyes, and you relax in feeling the enjoyment of being in a body, then she can really appreciate and enjoy that a lot more.
So take a look at all 3 of these areas. The way you move your body – does it feel good when you move it? Are you enjoying it? Your voice tone – are you enjoying your voice? Does your voice come out as a natural expression of confidence? Or do you feel insecurity behind it? Do you feel fear behind it? And then take a look at your eye contact. It’s the same thing. It all comes from the same place, the difference is once you find that place where you can feel your real, authentic emotions, you start getting into your body – you’ve got to link up the body, the voice, and the eyes to it.
Put your comments below. Let us know how this video helped you, what else you want to learn. Or what areas you think you’re having difficulty with. ‘Cause we love to talk to the clients. Make sure to subscribe if you’re new to the channel, and there’s going to be a link in the video. Make sure to click that link to get a free chapter of our e-book, “Fearless With Women”. Remember only the confident really live.
