In this video, Brian discusses the dreaded “Let’s just be friends” line and what to do when she just wants to be friends. If getting friend zoned is common for you, this video will help you start shifting that.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in January 2019.
If you’re already having a fair amount of success with women and you’re dating regularly, it’s a slightly different situation, and we’ll address that towards the end of this post.
If you don’t have a lot of experience or success with women and dating yet and she says she just wants to be friends…especially if this is a common theme for you, you have some female friends already, and your focus right now is getting better with women, dating, or relationships, the best way forward for you is probably to say “no.”
In fact, whenever she says she just wants to be friends but you really want something different, you shouldn’t “just go along with it” unless you’re truly up for just being friends…and you aren’t taking friendship as a consolation prize or really hoping she’ll change her mind later. Because that’s not real friendship at all. That’s you lying to her – and maybe to yourself, too.
Going along with the friend zone when she says she just wants to be friends and that’s not what you actually want is bad for your self-esteem (your confidence is your #1 most attractive quality as a man) because you’re settling and “taking what you can get,” which trains you to have poor beliefs about “what you can get”…with women and throughout your life. It’s also bad for your self-esteem because you’re not being your true self – you’re people-pleasing and adapting your behavior to avoid tension or total rejection and to get validation…that isn’t even the validation or type of connection you actually want!
People-pleasing “nice guys” are also usually bad at saying no, which indicates a lack of boundaries and self-confidence and is yet again unattractive to women. So saying “no” to a woman when she says she just wants to be friends is also powerful for you just for the sake of practicing saying no and setting (and maintaining) boundaries.
Right now, you’re making time to work on your confidence and sexual/romantic connection skills with women. So if she’s not interested in dating you and she says she just wants to be friends, you need to move on and work on what you’re making time for.
You want to get away from that settling. From that hoping you’ll change her mind or that when she “really gets to know you” that she’ll fall for you.
You want to start stepping out of Nice Guy Syndrome and into being a real man: a man who’s honest, full of integrity, and full of confidence. And that starts with being real when a woman tells you “let’s just be friends.”
You don’t need to be an asshole about it. You just need to let her know that’s not what you’re looking for and that it wouldn’t be authentic and honest of you.
Some women may get angry, but that’s ok. Not everyone’s going to like you in life, and you need to start getting ok with that. Besides, many of the women who may initially get “mad” at you will end up respecting you for standing your ground and being confident enough to be authentic.
Some women – especially codependent “nice girls” – may not understand. They may accuse you of things like being shallow, not valuing friendship, or only wanting sex. But if a woman wants you to shut down your real feelings for her and can’t understand how inauthentic that is, that’s not the kind of woman you should want in your life anyway.
Your job is simply to let her know that you’re attracted to her, that’s not just going to suddenly change, and that acting as if you weren’t attracted to her would be lying to both her and yourself…so if you guys spend time together, you’re probably going to be flirting with her, because that’s you being yourself and being authentic. So if she’s not interested in that, you guys shouldn’t hang out.
You want to say it as confidently and matter-of-factly as you can, like Brian demos in the video.
There’s a lot of personal power in letting women go and moving on with seeking what you really want as a man…even if a woman is angry or upset about it. The kind of personal power and confidence that makes you much more attractive to women.
So when a woman says she just wants to be friends, be honest with yourself and with her about whether that’s what YOU really want.
Now, if you do have more success and experience with women, sex, and dating – you’re dating pretty regularly and aren’t feeling desperate for women – and a woman comes along who says she just wants to be friends, it’s fine for you to have her as a friend. As long as that’s something you’d really like.
Having female friends is a healthy thing as long as that’s not the only type of relationship you have with women. If you guys bond well, she’ll probably introduce you to other women, and you can probably even get her to help you meet and interact with other women (when you guys are out and about together, for example). In this case, she may even eventually decide she is attracted to you.
Just check in with yourself and make sure that friendship with her is something you actually want and that you won’t be actively hoping she “comes around” to being sexually attracted to you.
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