Have you ever felt like women tend to be colder to you than your friends and wondered “Why don’t girls talk to me?” A YouTube viewer asked me this in reference to building his masculinity, but that’s actually probably not the issue. Let’s discuss.
Question: Why don’t girls talk to me, and how do I develop my masculine? When I go out with my friends, more women want to talk to them than they do to me, and for some reason women are cold to me. What can I do to change this?
I want to address the first question and its relationship to the second one. A lot of men will conflate these two issues together when they actually are completely separate.
Let’s say there is an issue with your masculine and you are very feminine. That shouldn’t really be a problem for women, right? Many gay men are very feminine, but women don’t mind talking with them. They love hanging around gay men! They also like being around “Nice guys” a lot of the time, too. Nice guys are often great listeners and are very attentive with women.
But if women are being cold to you and shutting off around you, then it’s something else.
You may not be connected to your emotions. You may be numb or walled off emotionally, and they are feeling very little emotion from you. If a woman can’t feel your emotions, she can’t sense the human being and the person inside you, and she can’t trust you.
Or women may be feeling anger or resentment (possibly subconscious) coming from you, and this is causing them to pull away from you.
It may not be a problem with your masculine at all. You may automatically trigger into this state when you first meet people as a defense mechanism. If this is you, then you need to learn how to open up and let your walls down.
If you want to get some feedback on how you’re showing up around women, go ask some friends you really trust. Not jerks or friends you can’t talk about real stuff with – guys who really have your back.
And if you don’t have these types of friends in your life, then you need to go out and get them. Seriously, a lot of men surround themselves with friends who don’t actually want to see them succeed or grow, because it’d threaten their own sense of themselves and where they’re at in life. But find the guys whose perception you trust the most and ask them for some honest feedback. They’ll give it to you. Remember, we all have blind spots.
Opening up and letting your walls down is about getting more in touch with emotions – yours and other people’s. And emotion comes from the heart, so if this has been resonating so far, getting in touch with your heart and feeling more open there is one thing I have clients like this work on in intensives.
And really, most of us can use some of this work. I still practice getting in touch with my heart and emotions, opening up, and expanding my awareness and emotional access.
One thing you can do right now to start getting in touch with your heart and opening up is yoga and movement work. With practice, you can open up the connection around the heart. As you learn to feel this part of the body, the energy will start to shift.
A Meditative Practice – Follow Along Right now!
We’re going to go through a heart opening exercise. Follow along as we go.
Some people who are always in their heads, constantly filtering their entire experience (of life, as well as this kind of exercise specifically) through overanalysis don’t feel anything at all at first. That’s because the analytical mind destroys feeling, which is why I caution you against using your imagination during this exercise. Just surrender to the experience you’re actually having in the now. Don’t try to think about it too much – keep it within your body.
Getting Out of Your Head
Become more aware of your heart – drop your attention to the feeling of it in your chest. If you get still and quiet your mind, you may even be able to feel your heartbeat. If you’re having trouble, gently tapping your chest over your heart can help wake up sensation in that part of your body and expand your awareness of it.
Imagine a window slowly cracking open at your heart. Even if you can only feel it opening a crack that’s good, stay with it. As you continue with the exercise and practice, your capacity will increase.
You actually don’t want to slam the window wide open (if you even can yet), because if you’re not used to being in touch with your heart, opening it, and feeling a lot of emotion, trying to force it wide open can be overwhelming and/or make it just shut down.
Just relax. Don’t force anything to happen. Just surrender to the now feelings, and sit with yourself for a minute with that little crack of a window open.
Begin to explore just with that little crack open what the environment around you feels like.
Now see if you can feel just a little bit more emotion.
It’s possible you might feel sadness, anger, or frustration building up. Welcome whatever you feel coming up. Don’t fight it.
Just keep welcoming what’s there.
After you welcome it – let’s say you’re feeling sad for 2-5 minutes – then ask your body: “Can I let some of this sadness go?”
You might find you feel just a little bit lighter.
Then ask yourself, “Can I let a little more of this sadness go?” And you might find you feel a little bit lighter.
And then see if you can open at the heart a little more and feel a little more emotion.
This process may take some time and practice for you to really feel much. Especially if you’re highly analytical, like I mentioned above. You may have to do it every day for a couple of weeks before you start feeling a lot. Just surrender to the process and what you’re really feeling. (I’ll link you to more on this process at the end of this post.)
If you look at a wall and it’s white, you can say, “the wall is white.” You don’t need to analyze it.
So what’s the experience in your chest and your heart? It might feel a little cold or a little hot. “I feel some sadness. I feel some loneliness. I feel compassion. I feel some love.”
You might notice what it feels like when a pet walks into the room – you feel love for your dog or cat. Or maybe a friend or someone else you care about walks into the room. You might also notice how it feels when you focus on somebody you’re frustrated with.
Start exploring your emotional reality from the heart, so you can start becoming real and authentic about what you’re feeling.
It’s not about always being happy . More on that in the links at the end of this post, but it’s about being real with your emotions, allowing, and appreciating them as part of the experience of being alive.
After this, the next step is grounding. After you’re in touch with emotions, you want to start grounding (relaxing and managing) those emotions. This takes place in your legs and hip area. It’s also where your masculine energy can start to build. I’ll include a resource for our grounding practices here at FEARLESS below as well.
A form of yoga that is very masculine is Ashtanga yoga. There’s tons more examples out there, go look some up on youtube. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is another very grounding form of physical practice.
I hope this helps. If you’re new to the blog, this probably wasn’t the answer you were expecting when you saw “Why don’t girls talk to me?”, but getting in touch with your body and emotions is where the gold and real growth is.
Related:
How to Release All Emotions – The Basics of FEARLESS Letting Go
How to be Massively Successful – Learn to Love Fear and Pain | Inside FEARLESS #19
Dangers of “Positive Thinking” – Balancing Positive, Problem, & Solution Thinking | Inside FEARLESS
5 Steps To Develop and Become a Grounded Man
